Sunday, 1 March 2009

The Secret to Eternal Life (for dogs)

I'm a terrible one for eavesdropping on other people's conversations but there is too much fascination in the mundane for me to ignore it.

Other people are standing in the queue in Tesco thinking 'boring, boring, boring, I wonder what's on TV tonight?' whereas I'm standing in the queue in Tesco looking at the bloke to my right, who is buying 30 odd packs of 'Tesco Value Chicken Roll' and thinking 'WHAT is that all about? Let's listen in and I might be able to blog about it!'.

And I wasn't disappointed.

The bloke was a bit of a 'smoothie' (for that read 'creepy greaseball who thought he was god's gift to women and talked REALLY REALLY loudly so that we could all be impressed by his immense knowledge of life, the universe and, as it turned out, Value chicken).

The check out girl was scanning pack of chicken after pack of chicken and looking slightly confused (he didn't look like the sort of man who lived on Value Chicken). Slimy man jumped at the opportunity to spread his 'wisdom':

Slimy Man: 'It's for my dog!'.

Girl: 'You feed your dog this? Why doesn't it have dog food?'.

Slimy Man: 'DOG FOOD! Pah. It's practically POISON!'.

Girl: 'Really?'.

Slimy Man: 'Yes! It's full of chemicals. Preservatives and stuff. KILLS dogs it does'.

Girl: 'Dog food kills dogs?'

Slimy Man: 'Yup'.

Girl: 'Are you having me on?'.

Slimy Man: 'No, it's a scientific fact.'

Girl: 'But what if you buy special 'natural' dog food?'.

Slimy Man: 'Nope - even that has preservatives in. Otherwise they couldn't keep it in a can'. (At this point I so wanted to butt in and point out that canning was actually a method of food PRESERVATION and what did he think was in Value Chicken Roll? Nothing but the breasts of virgin chickens raised on Spring Water and organic mung beans? I somehow doubt it. But I had a feeling my input would not have been well received).

Girl: 'Wow, that really surprises me. I must tell my mum. She's got a Shit-Zu. She'd be gutted if he died'.

Slimy Man: 'Well tell her I've had 2 Alsatians. The first one I gave dog food and he lived for 11 years. The second one I fed chicken roll and it lived for 15 years' (well there's a robust scientific trial if ever I did hear it).

Girl: Is that in normal years or dog years? (WHAT!!? Isn't a dog year like 7 human years or something? So that would mean is oldest dog had lived 2 human years. Mind you....).

Slimy Man: 'Normal years' (hmm, he didn't look older than 35. 11 + 15 + 26. Has he really been researching the diet of dogs since he was 9?).

Girl: 'It still died then?' (erm, I would be somewhat surprised if Tesco Value Chicken Roll was actually the elixir to Eternal Life...but go one, surprise me!).

Slimy Man: 'Well yes, it did but 15 years is a long time for a pedigree dog'.

Girl: 'So - if it's dead then who is all this for?'.

Slimy Man: 'My new dog'.

Girl: 'Oh right, well good luck with it, hope the chicken works!'.

So there we are. It was certainly an education for me. An education in the madness of smarmy, know-it-all Alsation owning blokes.

Christ - I hope the owner of the Giant-Lion-Dog/Hound-of-the-Baskervilles stalking my road doesn't hear about the magical properties of Value Chicken Roll. It could be humping my neighbours for decades to come.

No comments:

Post a Comment