On Wednesday night it went something like this:
1. WHY are there so many mirrors in these goddam studios? Surely I’m not the only one who doesn’t have a deep desire to watch herself jiggling around like psychotic interpretation of Iggle Piggle?
2. Why is everyone going left when I’m going right?
3. Why is everyone right when I’m going left?
4. Are we going left or right? Oh no forwards….
5. Oh, so your forwards is our backwards? Sorry, sorry, sorry… yes I’m sure you foot will be OK. Eventually.
6. Why am I, once again, the tallest person in the room by a whole HEAD? I look like a transvestite lurking at the back of the class.
7. Why oh why did I wear stripes? Everybody else is in black. I’m less Iggle Piggle, more Fimble. There is no avoiding me. I am the stripy transvestite going the wrong way and standing on your foot.
8. What time is it? 5 past? 55 more minutes of this!?
9. What exactly IS a ‘grapevine’? I’ve been doing aerobics on and off for 13 years and I still can’t figure it out. When the teacher shouts 'gravevine!', I just sort of run sideways crossing my legs and pray nobody notices.
10. I’m getting too hot, I need to take my top off. I’ve got a vest on underneath but the important question is: have I shaved my armpits in the last fortnight?
11. Ok, armpit foliage or no armpit foliage, I’m going to have to strip down to my vest….
12. Right, arms in the air like I just don't care…is anybody staring? Or retching? Or pointing and whispering ‘look at that transvestite over there….he’s got more hair than Captain Caveman’.
13. No? Good. Phew. Now what time is it? 15 minutes past? Surely not!
14. Ah the hand weights are coming out. Now which colour is which weight?
15. I’ve got green ones. Green looks ‘mild’. Green, it appears, is NOT mild.
16. Am I the only person trying not snigger when the teacher asks us all to ‘pump it harder?’.
17. What times is it? 20 minutes past…..
18. Are we nearly there yet?
19. Sh1t – I think there’s a hole in my leggings. I can feel a breeze….
20. OK nobody is going to notice. Are they? What colour are my pants? If they are the same colour as my leggings then nobody is going to notice. If they are neon pink – I’m stuffed.
21. Am I actually wearing any pants??? (don't worry, this was just my paranoia playing tricks on me - I don't work out pantless. Ever. Just in case of you were thinking of writing to the Council and complaining).
22. Dare I have a quick feel and see how big the hole is, or am I risking looking like I’m not just a stripy transvestite with co-ordination problems, but also a pervert and/or suffering from a yeast infection?
23. Ok sod the leggings. Nobody is looking at my crotch anyway. Are they?
24. Power squats? Did you say power squats WITH weights? Have you not looked at the demographic you are teaching? Do you want puddles? It's not so much 'pump, squat, push', more 'pump, squat, piss'..... Or maybe you’ve got shares in Tena Lady…..
25. Hmm, if someone really did wee themselves what would happen? Would they bring a bucket of sand in like they used to do at school when someone was sick? I don't want to be the one that finds out though.
26. Argh, I’m not concentrating – why is everyone else facing the back wall?
27. Oh, we’re doing the ‘easy walk’. Why is it called ‘the easy walk’? You do it with your legs spread and a swagger. Is the teacher actually asking her ladies to walk like hookers? Do they know? Dare I ask?
28. Are we nearly there yet?
29. Oh good – we’re getting on the mats to work our abdominals. This means we get to lie down. I mustn't like in any wet patches though. But how are you supposed to mirror what the teacher’s doing when you’re staring at the ceiling tiles? I'll just thrust around a bit and look like I'm toning something...
30. Oh my god. I am never eating lentil curry on a Wednesday night again.…EVER.