I stand by that claim.
Some of you will probably struggle with this concept so let me go back to basics here and run you through my morning:
1am - still trying to sleep but my mum is still up watching god knows what downstairs and the sub-bass is making the bedroom floor shake ('if your chest ain't rattling, then the bass ain't happening) so I give up and move into the double bed in the other room with my Original Son.
2 am - maybe get to sleep.
4am - so sick of Original Son thrashing around like a conger eel I get up believing and hoping it might be morning. It's 4am. Hmmm.
5am - have got back to sleep but now re awoken by a blinding light and inhuman noise.
It is of course my younger child (a.k.a The Beast).
The Beast is standing at the end of my bed, sweeping it's range with a torch (not just any torch but a proper farmer's flashlight with something like 10 million 'candlepower' - basically enough to blind a fox or scorch a child's eyes from its head), emitting a noise like an air-raid siren and screeching 'wooooo woooo I'm a ghost, I'm a ghost'.
Now there are, possibly, a couple of people on the entire planet who I wouldn't object to standing at the end of my bed at 5am, holding a flashlight and emitting a piercing a wail, but let me just clarify right now - he is NOT one of them.
A kind of hushed tussle ensues with me trying to shout at him in an authoritarian manner - but only in a whisper so we don't disturb his poor exhausted brother.
My whispered attempts fail. Brother arises. A full battle ensues involving a miniature toaster which originated in a second-hand dolls house which I played with during my childhood. Apparently very very tiny toast is 'the' thing to have these days amongst young chaps.
An hour later I give up lying in the middle of a ruck and pretending I am 'somehow' acheiving rest and drag the pair of them downstairs.
It is still pitch black and it's freezing, freezing cold.
I'm wearing a pair of pyjamas two sizes too big which don't stay up and don't' stay done up.
I get to the base of the stairs and flick the lights on.
The lights fuse.
So I'm still standing in the dark with my trousers round my calves and my knockers hanging out and by this point everyone, bar me, is shouting orders.
I only have two children but all at once, apparently, I need to:
- turn the lights on.
- get the TV on.
- make sure they don't miss Octonauts (which isn't even on for HOURS - it's 6am for god's sake).
- get them drinks
- get them some food because they are so hungry they are DYING.
- get rid of the dogs.
- open the curtains.
- find the golf balls my mum STUPIDLY gave them to play with the night before (and I have hidden).
- fit the wheels back on a car which has been stamped on.
- carry them into the kitchen.
ALL AT ONCE.
- and make porridge.
At the same time the dogs are barking to get let out and all I can smell is the hideous assault of 'ancient dying dog urine'.
This means that, somewhere, in the dark, there lies a pool of dark fetid dog piss. And I need to get the dogs out now but I can't see where it is and I can't flaming breath due to the acrid, bile churning, stench.
And the kids howl on.
At this point I can't contain my frustration any longer and holler 'I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING AT ONCE, THESE DOGS NEED TO DIE! I CAN'T COPE ANY MORE!', pull my trouser up and tuck my knockers back behind the buttons of my 'sleep jacket'.
This is not, I repeat NOT, a good example to set your children but, as I often hear myself singing these days, 'I am not a robot'.
What I really really hope is that my mum will get up and help but she's still sparko after 3 bottles of Blossom Hill and sitting up til 2am with Snoop Dog, P-Diddy and Gay Rabbit Chat.
Some time later (I've 'lost' the next 10 minutes - and I don't want to find it) I try to help my children get dressed. Small (well quite big) problem - one of The Beast's socks is missing. I only bring one pair of socks with me when we go to my mums (basically there are more important things in life than having a spare pair of socks - well so I thought) so a missing sock is not good.
Especially when it's snowing.
I eventually locate the lost sock.
It's floating - like a corpse - in last night's bath.
Last night's bath is 'still in' because the chain has snapped off the plug and thus no one can drain it.
So I have a very wet sock and a child with one cold bare foot throwing a fit.
Well what would you do?
I fried it.
Let me explain.
My mum has an Aga stove thing and she often puts clothes on top of it to warm up/get totally dry.
Ah ha! I thought. What I need to do is that but only TO THE MAX. So I'll lift up the hatch thing and put it on the hot plate. That way it will get really dry really quick!
Errr, yes it will. And then it will go brown, combust and start to burn.
As The Beast himself said 'Mummy, mummy, my socks is on fire!'.
At this point (of course) my mum appeared.
'Darling, what ARE you frying' (she says peering at the hotplate but seeing nothing but smoke and a vague outline of an Argyle pattern).
'A sock mum. Could I have a cup of tea and could you get the dogs humanely euthanised?'.
And then the sun (finally) came up.
And my day began.
I've said it once. I've said it twice. And I will keep on saying it. If I didn't laugh I'd spend my whole life crying!