Tuesday, 3 March 2009

The Killing Floor

Once again, Tesco has provided me with ample opportunity to be shamed and provided rich fodder for my blog. To be honest I'd rather just get my shopping done in a smooth and orderly manner, but I guess that ended when I had children?

You know there was a time when you could pop in for a pint of milk, loaf of bread and a bottle of laxatives (not for me, honestly) without:

a) Having to run up and down the car park in a howling gale in the vain hope of finding a double trolley that can seat 2 children. 3,000 trolleys and none of them suitable for purpose later you have to accost a trolley attendant who only speaks Polish and try to mime 'double seats' to him which, unfortunatley, makes you look as if you are actually shaping imaginary buttocks with your hands....

Whether he knew what I was really after or was just scared I was going to fondle his arse, I will never know, but he got me a trolley.

b) Having to leave the biscuit aisle at high speed with the cries of infants echoing in my ears and complaints that it's been 'a very long time indeed since we saw a Jaffa Cake and that makes me SO sad'.

c) Having to leave the pharmaceutical aisle at even higher speed after son No. 1 begins pointing out every item which he recognises from our home.

There is only so much 'oh look mummy! You've got that cream! HAVEN'T YOU! That cream there - THE LADY CREAM. What's it for? MUMMEEEE TALK TO ME.....WHAT IS THAT LADY CREAM FOR....' one can take without half the town knowing everything about my inner faults.

d) Having to answer 1001 questions about the fish on the fish counter - including 'why aren't they moving?', 'are they dead FOREVER?', 'who killed them?', 'do they feel sad about it?' and 'what would happen if you ate one and it wasn't dead? Would it come out when you did a poo?'.

and finally, just to finish it all off with a cherry on top:

e) Leaving the shop, only to notice that your eldest child is clutching a book which he has stolen.

Now kids sometimes pick up things and leave shops with them - it happens. But normally it is a small toy or a little bar of chocolate. That you can explain to the store detective.

What it is NOT normal/excusable is for them to steal an adult novel . An adult novel called 'The Killing Floor' in which, according to the blurb on the back, "the body count mounts. And the killing turns into an epidemic".

Not exactly 'Spot visits his Grandparents' then?

Raising my eyes to the heavens and feeling grateful I hadn't felt the cold hand of the store detective on my shoulder (yet) I took the book from his thieving little paws, only for him to burst into hysterical tears because I had taken his 'special book' away.

I then looked at the front cover:

If you are a small boy, obsessed with level crossing and telegraph poles, then I have to admit that the book does look very appealing.

Anyway, tears of small boys aside, it was NOT being read as a bedtime story, so I scuttled back in and threw it in with the Mother's Day cards.

I think I need to return to ordering my groceries on-line....


  1. Just found your blog , recommended by a friend. Very funny. But never mind problems finding a trolley with a double seat , when my kids were small, trolleys had a hook for a shopping bag but the kids just had to sit in the bottom with the groceries. When you got to the checkout, all the apples had bites out of them and the biscuits were opened. As the kids grew there was less room for shopping. Ah those were the days!!!

  2. Welcome happy quilter! Lovely to 'see' new people and thanks for kind comments.

    Crikey - the children had to ride IN the trolley!? Yes I can see that I really wouldn't have very much shopping left at all in that situation!