Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Willies and Plastic Legs

I am the only person in this house without a willy. Well, actually, I'm not 100% sure about the sexual appendages of the Giant Land Snails but apparently they are hermaphrodites so I guess they have some kind of penile appendage, whereas I don't.

Anyway - my lack of a willy is of great fascination to my 4 year old son. According to him I have a 'no-willy' (as in 'I wee out of my willy, ladies wee out of their no-willies'. Yes Ok, fine, I'm not going to correct him quite yet and have him start shouting 'vagina' in public toilets all over the land).

We went to M&S yesterday (this was to return the minuscule vest I had accidentally purchased and subsequently got stuck over my head...) and while standing in the returns queue, with lots of respectable older ladies and one young man, my son decided now was the perfect time to, very suddenly, hoist the front of my dress up - thus revealing my too small tights and ancient pants to the entire queue.

I let out a sudden 'ARGGGGGGGGGGEEEEK' type yelp and slamming my dress back down again shouted 'WHAT are you doing!?' only for him to answer 'I just wanted to see if you still had a no-willy!'.

Oh. Dear. God.

I then had to stand in the queue for the next 5 minutes but when I did left, I left at speed (funnily enough) - marching out of the store with such shame-faced fury that I managed to take a mannequin's leg clean off with the front of the trolley. I probably would have got away with it if old Foghorn Leghorn Son No 1 hadn't yelled 'MUMMMEE! YOU HAVE KNOCKED THAT LADY'S LEG OFF!' and then burst into tears - at which point the whole store turned round to look.

Well to be fair, what does M&S expect if it positions mannequins close to the door with their legs crossed and one foot provocatively poised across the walkway?

I would guess they were hoping she would give out the message 'stop me and buy one', not 'hit me and take a limb off while you're at it' but all the same - what an idiotic set up. If it hadn't have been me, it would have been somebody else (grumble grumble), but of course it HAD to be me didnt' it? Knowing my bloody luck it was probably caught on CCTV and will be coming to a screen near you soon courtesy of 'You've Been Framed!'. Well as long as they send me the £200 I don't care. I can spend it on vests that actually fit. Oh and dark glasses and a wig....

Still - it was something of a shock to see a pop-sock clad foot flying through the air. I'm just glad it didn't hit anyone.......

1 comment:

  1. You may have a "no willy" but you've a fine set of balls.

    Console yourself lady.