Sunday, 18 January 2009

Balls

Birth balls to be precise.

You know - the big bouncy exercise balls that people are supposed to either 'stabilise their core muscles' on, or bounce about on in early labour. I have a feeling 98% of these balls lie, forgotten and unloved, in the back of people's wardrobes. The other 2% reside in my house where they get in every body's way and are used by small boys to replicate boulder avalanches and bowl over small babies.......

Anyway I took my balls on an outing on Thursday night and I learnt a thing or two about taking balls out (just in case you ever fancy it as an activity - you know rather than what normal people do on a Thursday night, like watch Eastenders or go to the pub).

1. Inflate them before you go. Seriously - do. Pumping them up is hard work and very undignified. You really don't want anybody (especially anybody meeting you for the first time) to walk in and find you bent over and sweaty, pumping your right hand up and down very fast while you grunt slightly and mutter 'come on, just come on'......

2. When you leave your venue (and decide you will leave your balls inflated to avoid the chance of being caught in a potentially compromising position ever again) DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT prise all the balls into the Disabled lift and then cram yourself in next to them. You will then ride the lift down to lowest floor (one of those ones where you have to hold the button down to make it move) and find that the door that opens once you reach your destination is actually the one on the other side of the lift and you need to push it, hard, to open it. And you can't even reach it, let alone push it, because you are jammed into the lift with a load of inflatable balls - a bit like a toy in one of those grabby-arm machines you get at the seaside. You call for assistance but there is nobody in reception..... In the end in, out of sheer desperation, you put a LOT of pressure on your balls and they suddenly burst forth from the lift, rolling around like a load of out of control giant ball bearings and the sudden release of pressure sends you crashing to floor. This of course will be right at the moment that the receptionist comes back to her post.......

Bloody balls.

p.s. I was trying to find a suitable image to go with this post but gave up after googling 'squashed balls'.....

2 comments:

  1. OMG... no way... surely you jest !

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  2. I can't read this any more, I'm crying too much...

    ReplyDelete