If life is a journey then this one went on a diversion several years ago and has forgotten where it was going in the first place - let alone how to get there.
Anyway - 3 important lessons I have learned today and wish to share with you (either so that you can refrain from making the same errors yourself or, more likely, so you can have a jolly good laugh for a couple of minutes and forget about work/childcare/essay/ironing/chores you should actually be doing) are as follows:
Lesson 1:
Do NOT leave a tube of wasabi paste (as in that bright green eye-bleedingly hot Japanese horseradish you get with sushi) in the door of your fridge if you are caring from small people with tiny minds who will decide that it looks very very fun indeed and if it's not paint it may well be toothpaste...... It will all end in tears. Literally.
Lesson 2:
Do NOT think you can get away with wearing a pair of raggedy-arsed-baggy-craggy old SEE-THROUGH leggings over your polka dot knickers merely by throwing a voluminous dress over the top of them and securing the dress in place with a large belt. No. What will actually happen is that you will attempt the school run only to find storm force winds are afoot and with both arms pushing the pram you will not be able to hold the dress down. The wind will go up your dress and inflate it, zeppelin like, so that it spends 98% of the journey up round your neck and your raggedy-arsed-baggy-craggy see-through leggings (and therefore polka dot pants) will be displayed to all those who pass by. Big shout going out to the men at the 'Fast Fit' garage who hollered at me at the way there and then on the way back. I hope you get your fingers stuck in your socket-sets this afternoon.
Lesson 3:
If someone at the school gates informs you 'there's something inside your rain cover' don't just shoot them a withering look and think 'yeah, smart arse, it's called a BABY'. Oh no. Investigate my friends. INVESTIGATE. Otherwise, several odd looks later, you will find that the inside of the pram rain cover is actually covered in what looks, very much like, a good thick coating of poo. It is not poo. It is peanut butter. Peanut butter which has carefully (and no doubt delightfully) been removed from a round of sandwiches and painstakingly painted all over the inside of the rain cover. How you get it off again is something I haven't learned yet.
And here endeth the lesson (for today at least).
I am very happy that it was peanut butter, though, and where did you get polka dot panties? I am trying to envision this windswept version of you with your dress in your neck. I'm sure it was a horrid experience. I guess you won't be doing that any time soon again, huh? Mothers do always have to learn the hardest lessons at the most inconvenient times.
ReplyDeleteBlimey - all that in ONE DAY? The Wasabi incident sounds like it might have been hellish - were NHS Direct involved? I had a wuss of a husband once who grew chillies in a pot and clipped them like he'd given birth to them but one day rubbed his eyes very shortly after the Bonsai-ing of them and spent the rest of that day lying on the bed with cold flannels on his face wailing like a child. I think a part of me decided then he was not the 'man' I once thought he was.
ReplyDeleteHee!
What a day!
ReplyDeleteHope you're chilling now with s'tning alcoholic!
You did make me laugh though! Thanks.
Sue xx
Glad it was peanut butter and not poo (which it would have been in our household). These are valuable lessons. I shall learn from your teaching. Did make me laugh - so thanks!
ReplyDeleteYou can buy polka dot pants in M&S (or you could - maybe demand will plummet after this post!?).
ReplyDeleteDeborah - ha ha - yup, chillies can be dangerous in that department.
Susie - yup I'm now at the bottom of a bottle of wine and feeling human for the first time in days!!
Brit in Bosina - I was reading your blog and honestly - FULL credit to you! It's hard enough with loads of friends around you - it must be so hard in a new country. Lovely to chat to you anyway.