A.K.A the alternative guide to childcare.
Heat bothering you?
Feeling tired, grumpy and like lifting a limb is beyond reasonable?
Have small children who, despite the heat, want to run around like lunatics?
Well the solution is thus:
Sit yourself outside (preferably the garden but if you don't have one you may have to venture to the local park) in a shady spot with a good book and cold drink (add alcohol if the situation is severe and you need further removing from reality i.e. your actual life) and arm yourself with a spray gun (you know, the kind you get Greenfly Killer or Cillit Bang in - but obviously it is NOT to be filled with highly corrosive kitchen cleaner or pesticides - just water please. I repeat - JUST WATER).
Sit back and chill and when the kids get too close and look like they might need something, throw out a hand and zap them with the water spray. With practice you can manage this without even looking up from your book (but you may need to put your drink down).
They will run away, hysterical with joy and spend the next 2 hours racing up and down the garden daring each other to go near 'spraying mummy' (the mind boggles) whilst simultaneously wearing each other out and not destroying anything..... Everyone's a winner.
I need to send this in to Take a Break's 'Brainwaves Roadshow' and get my £50. It could buy me a new pair of balls.
(No news on the ball front I'm afraid. Still AWOL).