And it's raining.
And my house is (supposed) to be presented as some kind of show home for the idiots SORRY 'potential purchasers' who want to waste my time by wandering round it and then NEVER EVEN GIVING ANY FEEDBACK LET ALONE MAKING AN OFFER (can you tell I've kinda had enough of this whole farce now?).
And I have 2 rather lively boys under 5.
I have started a sort of 'memory book' of the summer holidays for my eldest as this is his last one before he starts proper school. The holidays are 41 sleeps long (count them FORTY ONE....) and the idea is that for every day he draws a picture (so far we have a picture of a railway for every single day - we could have been to the bloody moon and he'd draw a blimmin' railway) or writes a word (let me guess? TRAIN!) and I add 'comments' and it's a memory of that day (in the world of endless railways). The hope is that I look back in 30 years time and smile (rather than cry).
So today I added to this book of dreams and took them on an outing to...... THE BANK!
Not just any bank - a special bank that they don't have in our town. The nearest branch is in a different town which is rather more well-do-do than the town we live in. In fact parts of it are vay-posh indeed.
For rather complex reasons (basically having my card declined in Asda and having to put 70% of my food, and wine - arrrggghhhh -back, piece by piece until my card cleared) I had to visit this 'special' bank.
Oh well - it's a day out.
Anyway whilst in the vay-posh town the kids got hungry so peering round the local bistros and decided that they were a definite NO with 2 maniacs in tow I decided they could have a sausage roll from Greggs (somebody will probably come and arrest me shortly for this crime, but to be honest, I'm well beyond caring).
So two large sausage rolls purchased, we found a bench so they could tuck into their perfectly balanced meal.
Another mum came and sat down on the bench adjacent to ours. Only she wasn't a 'mum' - she was an 'uber-mummy'. As I rustled my Greggs wrappers she barked very very loudly 'Hermione DO sit down or I won't allow you to have your humus and carrot batons' (I've changed her daughter's name but you get the gist). She also had a very large, very panty, very annoying dog called Marcus (who the HELL calls a dog 'Marcus'!?) who kept leaping up and breathing his dog breath on me (probably in the hope of a sausage roll rather than flaming carrot batons...), to which she would merely plead 'oh MARCUS - don't!' and do - nothing.
Anyway she gave me a cautious smile as if to say 'hello fellow mummy - but I spy your Greggs bag and the fact your toddler's face is covered in scabs (he fell out the front door, face first, onto the coconut matting doormat - it's left an interesting imprint on his face) and I'm not sure I actually want you to engage me in conversation'.
I gave her a cautious smile, as if to say 'I spy your carrot batons and you don't fool me. Your face tells the story of somebody who paints on a smile and makes homemade humus but then goes home and sobs into her Laura Ashley tea towels. It's Ok love, we're all in the same boat.....'.
I then handed the toddler his sausage roll - upon which he uttered a pterodactyl cry (at about the same decibel range as a pneumatic drill) and threw the sausage roll in possibly the biggest fit of rage I've ever seen erupt for him.
Clearly he's more of a humus man.
The sausage roll, unfortunately, sailed through the air in a beautiful arc and smacked into the thigh of Uber-Mummy - before falling to the floor and being greeted gratefully received by 'Marcus'.
For a few moment there was (horrified) silence.
Then the toddler began to wail (I can't read his mind but I would guess he'd changed his mind?) and my older son said 'oh MUMMY - that baby is out of control. AGAIN'.
To which I could do nothing but smile and say 'yes, he is' before gathering up my sausage roll wrappers and with an apologetic smile legging it towards the car.
Oh well - the drawing of 'sausage roll as an assualt weapon' makes an interesting change in the memory book from the endless railways......