Sunday, 30 August 2009

Toilet Troubles ('The Sequel' or is it even 'The Sequel of the Sequel'?)

Well I was up bright and early and stamping my feet outside M&S at 10am, banging on the door and waiting for it to open.

Why was this?

A desperate need for a pair of men's slippers?

An over enthusiastic urge to take advantage of the 'Dine in for £10' offer?

A hitherto unknown lust for a pair of flesh coloured support panties?


I needed a poo.

And I had to go to M&S to do it.

Not your normal pooing venue I'm sure but, given the options, decidedly posher than Tesco's.

You see our toilet is broken.

This would be the same toilet that has blocked frequently (as noted on this blog) and has actually never flushed properly in the 8.5 years we have been living in this house (well you don't want to rush into these DIY jobs do you?).

Nobody outside of my immediate family can actually flush our toilet. There is something of a knack to it. A knack about as complex as translating the Koran into braille or building the Titanic out of matchsticks whilst blindfolded. It takes years of practice to perfect it.

People who know us and know our toilet don't even try and flush it. They only use the toilet if they have to and I then go up and deal with their offerings 'en masse'.

People who DON'T know about the toilet, disappear into my bathroom for circa 20 minutes until I realise they are STILL trying to flush the toilet and rescue them from their potential shame.

Anyway - as you might have gathered - we could live with this problem.

However, the cistern then started having trouble refilling after every flush. It would refill by means of one droplet of water every 2 minutes and thus take half the day to refill to a level where you could flush it again.

Having a toilet which you could flush twice a day wasn't ideal - however it was preferable to having a toilet which you couldn't flush at all and (just to add to the misery) leaked - which is what we have now after trying to get it fixed.

I friend of mine's dad is very handy and as he's staying locally we asked him to fix the toilet. Poor bloke - he had no idea what he was about to unleash.

He started working on it on Wednesday, has been back every day since, and it's still an ongoing saga - which has made 'tending to your daily business' interesting to say the least.

A friend asked me if we'd dug a latrine in the back garden yet.

My answer was no - not yet, but what with limits of Sunday opening hours and it being a Bank Holiday - never say never....... At quarter to 4 this afternoon I shall be doing my rounds and shouting 'does anyone need a poo? If so get to M&S now or forever hold your bowels.... Well until 10am tomorrow anyway'.

I think the moral of this tale is 'if it's not COMPLETELY broken (as in 100% unusable) don't even attempt to try and fix it'.


  1. Good heavens woman, come and use mine! You, the OH and the kids are welcome anytime. Ours doesn't flush properly either, so you'll be right at home.

  2. You'll love that in the morning - opening the door to see us all lined up with loo rolls...;). Actually didn't I have to nab some loo roll off you once upon a time? Anyway - we can use it again now - it's rather complex and involves grub screws and jugs but we can use it (just). Thanks for the offer though and lovely to see you back! Hope you had a great holiday!

  3. LOL, When I arrived at work the other day, I needed to do a pee, upon arriving in said toilet, there was a very amusing sign on the wall "Once your "Business Deal" is completed, PLEASE use the toilet brush and bin" Hmm... lol... which leads me to another lil poem my mum used to have in our bathroom - If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be so sweet and wipe the seat. I love bathroom reading!!! lol - Google "The Poopie List" - EXCELLENT - Bathroom Humor at it's finest! SBxxx

  4. the answer to our cistern is to put a piece of string on the ballcock, and pull it up whilst it refills LOL
    Been looking forward to your Bank Holiday Monday !!!!


  5. I love your blog - it really makes me laugh. Hope you have managed to "go" now! lol

    We have a sign in our cloakroom that reads "Hurry up and don't groan, others want to use the throne".