Saturday, 15 August 2009

How (not) to make an Iggle Piggle Birthday Cake

1. Realise, somewhere around 24 hours before the party, that you haven't actually thought about the cake, let alone purchased any of the ingredients required to make it. Write a hasty list, throw both kids in the car and head to Tesco.

2. Start food shopping. The catch here is that both kids know there is a party coming and you are shopping for the aforementioned party and are therefore highly highly excited and behaving in a manner which can only be described as absolutely nucking futs and absolutley irritating.

3. Hit a major snag when the amount of food in the trolley reaches a height where it can be reached by the toddler. The toddler will then take great glee in grabbing the nearest cucumber, pack of cocktail sausages or in fact box of eggs and hurling them across the aisle at bemused passers by. By this point I'm actually starting to feel really panicky - I can't locate the Cocoa Powder or Baking Soda and there is a feeling of immense explosive pressure building inside my head which isn't alleviate when I have to stoop to pick up the battered cucumber for the 115th time.

4. Having located all the food items head for the booze aisle......

5. Older child then decides to copy his brother and picks up a maxi-size bottle of Lambrini (pure class) which he promptly drops. Drops from the height of approximately 5 foot directly onto my toe. Glass bottle impacts upon toe. Glass does not break as toe clearly able to absorb quite a large amount of force and disipate it through my body. Pain? PAIN? I screamed. And I mean SCREAMED. And then I cried. I stood there in the middle of the 'cheap dodgy booze' section of Tesco with 2 shocked looking children in my trolley (one holding a mauled cucumber, the other holding thin air where once had been a Lambrini bottle) and sobbed big fat tears and then (to my shame) shouted 'NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! YOU'VE HURT ME!'. People stared. People really stared. I gave them evil looks and told myself that it didn't matter if they all thought I was scum - I would (probably) never see them again. Hobble to check out.

6. Go home. Unpack. Decompress.

7. Decide you can't face any actual cake making until the children are in bed.

8. Put children to bed - go to make cake, realise you have no cake tins suitable and you've forgotten to borrow your friend's.

9. Go to friend's house. Spend half an hour telling her how crap your day's been. Bump into her mum. Spend half an hour repeating the story to her mum. Go home.

10. Circa 10pm start making cake. Decide it looks a bit meagre so double all the quantities. End up with so much cake mix that it's flowing out of the bowl. Get stuck in with the electric whisk only to note an alarming smell of electrical burning.... Turn of whisk and resort to a big long spoon.

11. Open the wine that's supposed to be for the party.

12. Open the Hula Hoops that are supposed to be for the party.

13. Cake goes in oven. Finish wine.

14. Cake comes out of oven. It's too hot to touch let alone ice.

15. Kill time by starting on Lambrini (desperate times and all that....) and a pack of salami even though you don't like salami and, yup, it's for the party.

16. Roll out icing.

17. Try to remove icing from board only to find it's well and truly welded to the board.

18. Hack it all of with a sharp knife and start again.

19. Repeat ad infinitum until you decide that sod it, the cake will just have to look patchy - you can stick Smarties over the worst bits.

20. Start trying to dye bits of icing to make a representation of Iggle Piggle.

21. Realise there is a reason people hire professional cake makers and pay them for what is actually a skill. A skill I haven't got.

22. Dye various parts of my body a mix of red, black and blue. Swear a lot.

23. In trying to dye a wodge of icing red, actually manage to create a rather too realistic sugar-model of a placenta and nobody wants a placenta on their birthday cake. Throw artificial placenta in bin and try not to think about it.

24. Realise that Iggle Piggle's entire body is beyond you, so settle for his disembodied head (but not his placenta).

25. Somewhere around 1am put the remaining Lambrini back in the fridge, and retire to bed.

26. Wake up 5 hours later with a stonking hangover and realise you have a party to host.......

Here he is and he looks, to me, as if he's been created sometime around midnight by someone with a very sore toe and a litre of Lambrini in their blood stream. Every picture tells a story:

27 comments:

  1. That made me laugh ever such a lot!! (I hope it was meant to!)

    I wasn't laughing at the cake though, I think you did a sterling job, and I even pointed it out to my 18 month old who squealed so I am assuming he recognised it (Iggle Piggle being the second greatest love of his life, The Haahoos being the first....)

    Anyway, I digress. I hope your poor toe is feeling better and there isn't any lasting damage and that the party went without a hitch. Happy times!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ROFLMAO!!!! You do make me laugh, the way you tell your life stories creases me up every time! I have no idea who Iggle Piggle is ... lol! My kids are too old now I guess :o) BUT - you did a bliddy marvelous job given the circumstances and should be Proud!!!! Well Done!

    Teri xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. PMSL I needed that laugh! But it looks as if it came out OK 'Coming out' being the operative word 'cos I can't actually see if it is male of female !!!!
    Enjoy

    Barbara /SparklesSimpleStuff

    ReplyDelete
  4. A wonderful cake in the circumstances! Sorry you had such a rubbish day but pleased you managed to make it funny. Hope toe and hangover are better and that the party went well.
    Sue xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Give yourself a huge pat on the back not only did you produce a fab cake under extreme circumstances - you didnt resort to shop bought! I love it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I will have to go google Iggle Piggle now. Hope your toe is better although I can imagine it is black and blue and yellow and green.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh I have to say now that I have googled Iggle Piggle you hit that nail square on the head. Good job. I am impressed.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am sorry, but I almost cried when I read about the placenta.

    Fear not, I have had those shopping trips. Especially the ones where I drive 35 or 40 miles and spend 1 1/2 hours doing the shopping only to find at the checkout that I have forgotten my purse and either had to phone DH to come to the store, or return home (35/40 miles) and drive back again (another 35/40 miles) and then drive home again (yet another 35/40 miles).

    Kisses to the toe! x

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, as bad as it sounded, you ended up doing a great job. It's almost professional looking and I'm sure you made your child very happy. You deserve kudos for hanging in there so well after all that trauma. Next time, have one made, though you did very well. It will be easier on your nerves, though. You don't have to be super cake mom!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks everyone!! I am laughing now - now I've had some more sleep! And it was more than worth it - when the toddler raided the fridge that morning his face was a picture when he found the iced-severed head of his beloved on the bottom shelf......;).

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ive not left a comment before, but I am a regular lurker...I love your blog - you are SO entertaining! Your cake is wonderful, and no mean feat considering the day you'd had! My boys are all grown up now, but my ridiculous efforts at making birthday cakes are still a source of much amusement. I once fashioned a piano using Tescos value swiss rolls - one chocolate one and one plain one...it didnt turn out so well...but its given us lots of laughs (and probably only cost me 30p!) I wish you many more cake-making memories ahead!
    Sue x

    ReplyDelete
  12. LOL! My DD2 recognised Iggle Piggle straight away! Its far better than I could ever hope to do without a litre of Lambrini down my neck.
    Jackie:-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Excellent post...loved the bit about the placenta...v.funny
    & the cake looks great, bet it tasted scrummy too!
    Hope your toe is better :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sue-bubbles - I'm still laughing at the piano cake made out of value swiss rolls! Now THAT is inspired!!

    Cheers everyone (and yes it's fine to laugh at the cake ;)).

    ReplyDelete
  15. I read this to the mother of my toddler. We empathise wholeheartedly. Ours' favourite is Upsy Daisy (she's convinced she is Upsy Daisy), but she'd recognise your cake and love it, rest assured!

    ReplyDelete
  16. OMG. My partner and I started crying with laughter by step 21, lost it completely over the placenta, and I still have tears on my face while typing this.

    Fear of mixing hangovers with childrens' parties is why I stopped drinking.

    ReplyDelete
  17. After being given 1 days notice to bake my grandson an iggle piggle birthday cake i was feeling horrified at the thought of creating something i have never seen, i deciced to browse the net and stumbled across this site. I am still laughing so much my belly aches!!! Thank you for making my day and i hope you dont mind but i'm going to copy your design!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hey that's brilliant! I am seriously flattered and amazed that my Iggle Piggle escapade has sparked an internet Iggle Piggle Son! Good luck and let us know how it goes!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I came across this when I was searching for inspiration as I have been charged with making an Iggle Piggle cake. I laughed out loud at the supermarket shop and the making of your cake. I am pleased that I am not alone with late night cake making and the need to be sustained by wine.
    Thanks for sharing it !!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I have to say that is THE funniest thing I've ever read. I'm a Mum and a cake maker and can sympathize with you entirely. You cake is wonderful - I adore it. It tells a story which is much better than any perfect cake!

    I'm now glued to your site and have passed the link on to all my friends on facebook! You have missed your way. You really should consider writing a book - I'll buy it.

    Christine.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Aw thanks Christine!!

    I have to say SO many people come to this blog looking for info on Iggle Piggle cakes so I'm glad that at least a few of them like what they see!!!

    I'm working on the book...promise!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Great story!! I'm still crying from laughing so hard. After only recently breaking a toe when I dropped a canister of sugar on it whilst making a cake I really hope your toe is feeling better. Glad your little one enjoyed the cake :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. I love the patch of white icing in the bottom left hand corner and that blue scar on his face. Brill job.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Yeah the scar is from when he got glassed by Makka Pakka having knocked down his pile of stones....

    ReplyDelete
  25. Love the final product - hope mine is half as good (but possibly less traumatic to produce!)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Now this made me laugh

    ReplyDelete