Behind Closed Doors

When the children in the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe got to the back of their wardrobe they found a doorway to the secret world of Narnia.

When I (finally) found the way to the back of my wardrobe all I found was the secret world of sh1te.

You see I decided this afternoon to begin the 'big declutter' and where better place to start than my wardrobe? A wardrobe so full of 'stuff' that when you opened the door you feared the whole world would fall on your head.

Bit by bit it all came out and there were things in there that not only had I forgotten about but things that I never even knew I had.

It's hard to narrow it down but as I have to (you don't want to be here all night), here are the top ten Items that Time Forgot:

10. Various packets of painkillers that went out of date before my children were born. Deadly? Probably. Gone.

9. Huge amounts of winter woollens in various shades of grey all of which had been packed away 'clean' but were actually splattered with baby sick. That tells you more about life with a small baby than words could ever say. Even when you THINK you are doing OK and you THINK you are your normal self and on top of the game, you are actually wandering round in a slightly stained state - even on a good day. And it's only when you look back at the evidence a year or two (or maybe even 3....) later that the enormity of what you actually went through hits you and you think 'oh'. Gone.

8. Several dresses which I last wore circa 1994 whilst waving my arms in the air and making strange shapes in the midst of a sea of dry ice and strobe lights. Am I likely to wear them on teh school run? Erm, what do you think? Gone.

7. A pair of velour knickers which I recall came in a pack of 3 from Asda (maroon, gold and black) WHILE I WAS STILL AT COLLEGE. Ok I had a thing (at the time) for velour but pleeeeease! Does anyone really benefit from having a pair of 14 year old pants in their wardrobe? Let alone a pair with holes in. Erm, doubtful. Gone.

6. A dusty packet of some weird kind of herbal sweet. The blurb claimed they were 'ADVENTUROUS!' and would provide you with a 'THRILLING ZING'. I'll have to take the blurb's word for it because I wouldn't have put one in my mouth if you paid me. I'll just have to get my thrills from some other place (but not in the 14 year old velour pants). Gone.

5. A strange photo of me looking very glum whilst sat under a duvet in the living room of our first flat (this was during an era where I worked for the World's Most Evil Man who used to make me cry on a daily basis and left me so stressed I used to fantasise about breaking a leg so I could legitimately not go to work for a few weeks - not that he would have allowed that. He would had me dictating letters and answering his calls from my sick bed). My OH has written the words 'Stickhead looking very sad' written in Biro above my head. I think I will keep this to remind me that, even though we tend not to take (or keep) photos of the less than happy bits, they are still part of our lives and you know what, time moves on and things change.

4. A 2001 diary. I got quite excited finding this - ohhhh a whole diary to read back through! What adventures was I having!? What excitement! What joy! Only it was blank. Entirely blank. Very odd. Did I buy it and then forget it existed? Was 2001 just a particularly empty year? I don't know but it's gone. I have no possible use for a blank 2001 diary so GONE.

3. Copious amounts of Christmas wrapping paper, clearly bought during the January sales something like 5 years ago and 'put somewhere safe'. I've left it there and no doubt it will resurface some time after Christmas 2012........

2. A large sack of foam wadding. Hmmm. It took me quite some time to recall where this foam wadding came from or why would have purchased such an item but then I remembered that I bought it four winters ago when I decided to 'save money' and make a homemade foot-muff for the buggy. Well as you can tell - that was a roaring success....... The fleece I bought to form the outer cover is often found lying around my front room and friend's still rib me when they see it. 'See you've got round to making that foot-muff then?' phnar phnar. Anyway the foam wadding can get stuffed (boom boom) and is off to the charity shop. I have to face facts and just accept that sometimes we just can't be who we want to be and I will never stitch a goddam foot-muff (I think my mum needs to take note of this - she still has a half knitted Aran jumper in her cupboard which she started knitting when she was pregnant with my brother. MY BROTHER IS 29 YEARS OLD. I don't even know who the Aran jumper is for. I don't think she knows who the Aran jumper is for). GONE GONE GONE.

1. A set of PVC underwear. WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!? All I can say is that it still had the labels on so was clearly unworn (and will remain so) but I have no recollection of ever purchasing it or being gifted it (my OH may have bought me some pretty odd gifts over the years but they were along the lines of fruit cake - not lace up PVC bustiers with matching thongs. Have you ever worn a thong made out of PVC? It didn't look comfortable to me. There were a lot of harsh looking hems. And I don't think PVC is very conducive to positive feminine hygiene but hey, who am I to judge?). Anyway the whole lot is going - 'brand new with tags' - to Help the Aged. I'm sure it will give someone a thrill (either that or a funny turn). I shall have to drop the bag and flee and make sure I don't go back in that particular charity shop. One thing's for certain, I'm not car booting it.....

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