Sunday, 28 June 2009

Tis the season to be naked

Well if you are a small boy it is. And who can blame them. It is HOT. Not just hot. The worst kind of hot. That evil clammy heat that makes you feel like you will suffocate at any given moment and provokes strange lucid dreams (in my case very strange - try an erotic scene in a flooded Co-op in Tewkesbury surrounded by tins of soup, in the company of Jeremy Clarkson who has his hand up your jumper.... Actually - forget that - it clearly qualifies as a nightmare).

There is only one way to cope with this kind of heat and that is to get naked and wet at every opportunity so I was more than happy to promise my boys a paddling pool and BOY were they excited.

What I didn't do was check that there were any paddling pools still actually in-stock this side of the Watford Gap.

This was an error at the upper end of the 'fundamental errors to make when mothering small children' scale.

Actually there were paddling pools available but only the sort that come with a log flume, swim-up-bar and performing dolphin. And come in the wrong side of £50.


For like, a fiver?

But of course so did everybody else in the country and such pools were out of stock everywhere.

So I made a (very exciting) promise which I couldn't fulfill and boy did I pay for it.

Despite demonstrating the 'out of stockness' of the pools in just about every shop in the entire county, my son still continued to fall to his knees and sob 'but Mummmeeeeeeee - when are we going to have a paddling pool?' at regular intervals throughout the day. I would just about think I was safe and the trauma was forgotten only for him to randomly let out a cry of 'THE PADDLING POOL THAT'S NEVER COMING, NOT EVER!', followed by a strangled sob, and off we'd go again with a lengthy explanation about stock levels, foreign imports and peaks in demand - which usually ended in me screeching 'THERE JUST AREN'T ANY LEFT IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY. THEY'VE GONE - OK!?' (to which, of course, he would reply 'but WHY!? and start crying again).

In desperation I replaced his paddling pool dream with an empty bottle of Kitchen Surface Spray which I filled with water and permitted him to spray at will around the garden (see motherhood really is the mother of inventiveness....)..

He was delighted with this new toy.

The paddling pool was forgotten about and he played happily with it for ages.

Well, up until I went into the garden and found he had inserted the spray nozzle carefully into his brother's ear and was eagerly filling his head up with water.........


I did eventually source a paddling pool (in the neighbouring County no less) and deep joy has been had by all ever since.

However this journey in to the world of paddling pools has alerted me to the fact that they, invariably, come in a box featuring a young, busty, bikini clad woman who looks like she's never actually spent more than the length of a photoshoot in the company of small children - let alone pushed any out of her nether-regions and spent the next 5 years trying to get her head round the fact they're hers.....

Take this example:

And this one (who has randomly set her pool up by her 'awfully grand' electronic driveway gates. This is clearly a very aspirational paddling pool - even if you don't actually have a driveway to go with the gates....or a car):

And this one (who is actually accompanied by a man but he's rather pale and disappointing in comparison. And we can't see his Speedos):

And finally this one (ok, this one's not real but it may as well be):

What is the idea behind this marketing? Are most paddling pool purchaser male and buying the pools in the hope that the young woman comes with it? Or are they female and the women in question hope that the pool comes with a nanny?

Who knows, but it is not accurate.

They should actually show the paddling pool filled with naked children, bits of grass and dead bees, surrounded by soggy clothes, damp (damp - not dead) pets and various other piles of detritus with the mother depicted slumped beneath a bush clutching something alcoholic and being thankful that - for once -they aren't destroying the house.

I reckon it would sell.

Especially if it came with the wine.


  1. I've just been directed to your blog and have spent the last 10 minutes or so laughing out loud! Thank you for brightening my Monday, I shall be following your adventures & look forward to your next installment.

    All the best

    Jan x

  2. me too, what a brilliant style of writing you have. I could just picture the scene with your youngster wailing, a brilliant read.
    Am off now to see what other delights you and your family have undertaken
    Anne x

  3. Hope you dont mind I posted your blog on mine so you may find more visitors and followers today :0)

  4. Your so spot on - especially depicting the scene of dead wasps and lumps of soggy grass in the pool ha. I think your onto a winner if it comes with a compimentary bottle of vino - they'd sell like hot cakes :)

  5. Wow - thanks Clarky J! That is really good of you and I'm glad I'm making a lot of people out there laugh - we all need a good laugh at times!!

    Wife of Bold - yup - there are even more dead wasps in it now and god knows what else. I must remember to move it at some point or I'm going to have a kind of permanent crop circle in the middle of the lawn aren't I?

  6. hi again.....reckon i had better become a stalker lol cause im peeing my pants at your write ups....takes me back years wiv the kids. (not me peeing my pants )but the humour of it all i reckon i have had that senario before as it all rang so true.........i hope you dont mind me following my mate clarky found you and passed you over to us bunch of nutters...and boy are you good for my health lol!!!! hugs sassyxxx

  7. What Claire - you've dreamed about Jeremy Clarkson too!? Well I never....;)

    sassy - glad you are having so much fun! lol! I'm slightly worried about your bladder though...;)

  8. Brilliant! Oh boy do I remember those days (my boy will be 20 next month! eek!)
    Thank you for making my night!
    I shall be adding you to the list of blogs I'm following - I love your style!
    Sue xx

  9. Thanks Sue! Yeah - before I know it they will be all grown up and I shall actually really miss it (erm, well sometimes...;)).

  10. hiya....pants are drying nicely....and i have also added you to my are one talented lady....and i have enjoyed your writitng so much ....i hope you dont mind...ive popped youon my blog too so .off to slap clarky j now for finding you lol!!!! what a treat so glad she did...sassy

  11. if it comes with a nanny who looks like those bikini clad bimbos, I ain't buying. My other half might be the pasty-white show-us-your-speedos-type, but that bitch isn't getting within an inch of his paddling pool...!

  12. oh thank you for a laugh tonight you are so right about the pool.

    love your blog thank you for making my evening brighter

  13. I found your blog link on Sassy's blog and have not moved for the last half hour at least except to jiggle with laughter. If you wrote books I would buy them. I have signed on as a follower. Thanks for brightening my night. It's 9:30 EST in the US.

  14. Ooh what a fab blog, made me Laugh out Loud, Right up my street!! Or should I say Crazy Paving??? What a breath of fresh air you are, Sue xx

  15. The reasons behind this entry are why I took delivery of a rather nice sledge....last week.

    We won't have snow for years now of course, but at least I'll be prepared for when we DO!

  16. Now THAT is what I call organised!!!

  17. This would DEFINITELY sell as a book - trust me! And you know what the best thing is? As I sit here, laughing away, I'm thinking 'Yes, that's EXACTLY what life as a Mum is like!'!!!

  18. Ha ha - well if you know of anyone in publishing then give 'em a poke and send them in this direction!! I guess from your name your in Somerset?? If not, it's an odd name ;). I'm originally from there too - my nutcase family are all still there - be warned!!