Friday, 26 June 2009

My balls got sucked down the side of the disabled lift

Yup, they really did.

Oh my god.

One of my balls got sucked down the side of the disabled lift.


You know how I was saying I was teaching last night? You know how I have (repeatedly) in the past had trouble with my (birth) balls? Well this incident really did take the biscuit (or should I say the ball) and surpassed all previous ball-centered insanity.

Ok here is my ball:

Here is what the disabled lift looks like (well roughly - I haven't actually photographed it - that WOULD be insane):

I crammed myself and all of my equipment into the lift and then pressed the button to go 'up'. It's one of those ones where you have to hold the button down in order to keep moving.

As we started to rise I heard a very strange creak and then a noise not unlike rubber being sucked into a mechanism...... HOLY F*CK - rubber WAS being sucked into the mechanism!!

My ball was squashed up against the wall of the building and as the lift rose it was being dragged down, down, down into the workings of the lift.

About the same time as my brain clocked what was happening, the lift stopped of its own volition.

The lift was stuck.

The ball was stuck.

I was stuck.

OK - logic was telling me to get the lift to go down slightly thus freeing the part of my ball that was being sucked so I pushed the 'down' button.

Nothing happened.

The lower part of the (glass) lift was still visible in the foyer and this clearly piqued the curiosity of the receptionist.

She came over and started a conversation with my feet.

'Are you Ok up there?'.

(Yeah - I'm having a flamin' BALL love - boom boom....).

'Erm the lift is stuck'.

'Stuck! Oh crikey! That's never happened before!'.

'No, no, it's my big ball, it's got sucked down the side of the lift'.

'You what?!'.

Now at this point I just started to laugh.

It was like I was looking down on myself and saying 'you really have become a parody of your own blog haven't you'. The sheer absurdness of the situation pushed me over into hysteria and I just couldn't stop laughing.

Around this time circa 70 German school children arrived in the foyer looking for dinner.

Everyone assembled and stared at my feet.

Everyone offered helpful advice (much of which was in German - German is not my strong point. I did get a GCSE in it but I must confess now to some minor cheating).

I'm sure many a postcard will be sent back to Deutscheland 'Ya, the hostel is lovely! The food is great! The weather is crazy! Mind you so is the lady living in the disabled lift with a large rubber ball, photographs of semi-naked women and a box of cakes.... These English! CRAZY!'.

I just laughed. I mean if you are going to spend part of your evening trapped in a disabled lift with a large ball you may as well laugh.

Eventually with some deft finger work (i.e. making the lift judder 'up/down/up/down/up/down - DOWN) I managed to pull my ball clear of the seam down which it had sunk and reach my destination.

Which is lucky really as I guess the next stop would have been the Fire Brigade? Now THAT I would have demanded photos of.....

Surely that has to be the last of it!?


  1. You must have done something BAD to balls in a past life.

  2. Perhaps I WAS a ball in a past life?

  3. Thats very random! Now i would have paid to see pics of firemen rescuing you :)

  4. Thankyou so much for the best laugh I've had in ages!!!
    I'm sitting in front of my computer and the 'tears are tripping me'!!!
    Can't wait to read more

  5. Hi Tillymint - nice to see someone new over here glad you are enjoying it!

  6. omg......i cant stand it ...need to go lie down in a dark room my tummy rock certainly have the knack of putting it all beautifully together ....hope your balls ok now lol!!!!...........sassyx

  7. Firement rock, they'd have rescued you no problem. Or policemen. I had two policemen kick the door down when I got myself locked in the (windowless) toilet of the uni flat I lived in in my final year. My heroes. It was only after they'd gone I realised that in the stress/panic/excitement I hadn't actually flushed the toilet.....

  8. I was blurfing and found you quite by accident and think you are one of the funniest writers I have come across in a long time. Thank you for making my day. I love your sense of humor!!!