- had to perform 'the human caterpillar' across the floor in Tesco (yes I was back in the supermarket - already) in order to slide (or, in fact, ingloriously wedge most of my body) underneath the food shelves to retrieve my bracelet which the pterodactyl toddler threw in a fit of rage (at being denied a packet of chocolate pancakes bigger than his head). He then roared in delight as the bracelet rolled and rolled and rolled underneath the World Foods shelves. I won't tell you what else was under those shelves - you might be eating - but my bracelet was right at the very, very furthest point and the gap is very small and parts of me are reasonably large and it wasn't a very good fit. Or a graceful one. Anyway I'm sure all the other shoppers enjoyed seeing the lower half of my torso sticking out from beneath the poppadoms and sushi making kits whilst I emitted a strange grunting noise and thrust backwards and forwards yearning for that extra inch. Nobody checked to see if I was Ok (funny that) but somebody did run into me with their trolley. I don't know who it was - by the time I'd extracted myself they'd gone. A hit and run indeed. Or perhaps they thought they were doing society a favour.
- had a phone call from my mother to thank me for the parcel I sent which had arrived, despite me putting half of my own address and own postcode on it. That will be the address of the house I sent the parcel from. Not the one it was going too. Oh. She asked me if I'd been having a 'funny moment'. I had to break it to her that it looked likely that the 'funny moment' was in fact a permanent state of affairs and it was downhill from here to the menopause upon which I'd probably turn into the Cracken and implode (or something). She received this news by declaring she had to go and put a quiche in the Aga and hung up.
- asked the postman if he'd put his package in my bush and if so could he take it out again because I was in fact, in (the fact that he had really doesn't make it any better).
Is it too early for a stiff gin?