Friday, 23 April 2010

The 'Take a Break' Vote

It may have just happened upon your radar that there is going to be an election.


I could have told you this news considerably earlier than the National Press because we had a letter from the pre-school some time ago informing us that the village hall would be shut on a certain date in May due to a 'matter of National Importance'. I very much doubted the Queen was coming down to have a go with the skittles and as it's unlikely they would be using it for any kind of secret meeting of the Super Powers (despite the new toilets, smoking shelter and fully working microwave) that left the General Election.

During my travels this week (and I've done about 800 miles - thus the lack of blogging and extreme exhaustion) I drove past a sign for a candidate with unfortunate surname of 'Butt'. His first name was in very tiny writing and his last name was in very big writing and above it all was the word 'Vote.

Poor old Butt.

Anyway, other than voting Butt, the most disturbing thing I've heard about this election so far is that Gordon Brown hopes to swing it on stealing the 'Take a Break' vote.

Yup - that's right - he wants Take a Break readers to take the reins of power in their mighty hands (once they've put down their Superking Extra and torn themselves away from turning Lambrini bottles into garden ornaments).

This worries me (slightly), despite my self-confessed Take a Break addiction .

The last time I looked inside the hallowed pages (actually whilst staying with my Mother in Law) someone had written in to suggest crafting your very own 'unique' mirror frame using (brace yourself) ROLLED UP PAGES OF TAKE A BREAK. They radiated out from the central reflective core like some kind of evil sun.

Wow - talk about crafting things from the words you love.

There is a reason that that such a mirror frame is unique. No other fool would, surely to god, EVER imagine that surrounding a mirror with, what look like giant multi-coloured spliffs emblazoned with headlines like 'My Lover Froze my Pussy and then ate the Hamster' could possibly be a good idea.

There was also a beautiful photograph of someone's 'unique' staircase which they had adorned with pieces of (badly cut) stick on mirror. Apparently it was cheap AND beautiful (two words that don't usually sit well together). A stairway to heaven it was not. It looked like something they'd make on Blue Peter if they ever did a sticky-back-plastic Nevada Whore House.

Do we really REALLY want the Rulers of our country making decisions on the basis of pleasing people who can't actually figure out that:

a) Making used toothpicks into a mug-tree/jewellery holder is NOT.A.GOOD.THING.

b) That if you are 78, 34 stone, answer to the name of Ethel and an 18 year old Turkish 'Adonis' tells you you are 'sexy lady' and 'he love you more than world and make all your dreams come true, sexy sexy laydeeee' then it is not, I repeat NOT, a good idea to 'lend' him £120,000 so he can buy you both the house of your dreams. Even if you will be photographed for Take a Break, peaking out from beneath your sun-visor in a garden somewhere near Pontefract, it isn't worth the pain. Honest.


c) That the mark that has appeared on your sofa is not the image of your dead Nan 'Coming Through', it's a sign the dog has stress incontinence.

On second thoughts, policies catering for all of the above could put an interesting spin on things and I can't see the others offering any more interesting alternatives.

Hmm, maybe I need to go into politics.



  1. Oh go on. I'd vote Stickhead!

  2. Oh yes please do! I'd vote for you too.
    Sue xx

  3. SSS for PM !!! I can just see it now.

  4. I went running with a black homosexual bricklayer who'd just come back from Afghanistan, and he told me to vote Stickhead...

  5. Hey! Where are the pictures! We want pictures and full stories!