Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Sticky Situations

Am I the only person out there of reasonable-ish intelligence who every time they drive into a Service Station finds themselves overcome with a crushing sense of panic and general lostness?

There always appears to be circa 88 signs and symbols with many paths to chose from. It doesn't seem to matter how much I slow down or how carefully I examine the instructions, I always end up in the lorry park. Or the caravan section. Or (even better) missing out the Services all together and back on the motorway. Still that's better than my deepest fear which is ending back on the motorway but going in the opposite direction.......

So I try not to stop but sometimes you just have to.

For example, this weekend, whilst charging down the M4, I got very very thirsty and being alone in the car had to open a bottle of drink (with a very stiff lid) so, clever individual that I am, I decided the perfect solution to getting the cap off was to clamp it between my thighs and hold it hard as I tugged.....

All I can say is that it must have been a bumpy ride because the next thing I knew I was doing 70mph with a bottle of Fanta ejaculating enthusiastically between my thighs.

Oh how it gushed. On. And on. And on.

It wasn't just wet, it was sticky and the sensation was not one I'd recommend.

So off to the Services I went and, having negotiated several acres of speed bumps, the lorry park and a small gladed area, I finally found the car park.

I then had to waddle to the toilet with a large, yellowish, damp patch around my groin. There were looks.

And then, when I tried to wipe it off, the toilet paper got stuck (well I could hardly strip to the waist and start having a wash in the sink could I?) and thus I returned to the car still sticky, smelling faintly of oranges and now adorned with a pubic-beard of a 'Moto' loo roll.

It was a long, sticky, drive home.


  1. ROFL. You know you're not supposed to drink and drive - now you know why!lol
    Thanks for the bright start to the day.
    Sue xx

  2. Ugh, you have my sympathy - not that I've ever had Fanta ejaculate all over me, but the uselessness of service station signs is a gripe to be heard in our car every single time we go into one - even the two that we ALWAYS stop at on the journey from home to my parents' place (we do stop at other times if needed but generally aim to stop at the half-way point). So you'd think we'd KNOW which lane we want and which turning to go in etc etc, but no we still usually end up with a last-minute turn round a 90degree bend to avoid the lorry park. Our worst experience though was leaving one - we'd had to do an 'emergency' stop (newly-in-pants child announced he needed a poo - in such circumstances you don't mess around trying to find a service station you know!!). Once we were sorted we exited the service station, and you know how MOST service stations literally take you back onto the motorway you just left - no options, just back out and away you go (and I don't think you could go the wrong way ;-) well not THIS service station, evidently. Not quite sure how/why but instead of ending up on the motorway, we ended up spending an hour driving round some part of Kent (and having been born & bred there this wasn't a part I was familiar with), there were NO signs for the motorway and sadly we went too far before we realised that just turning round was the best idea. So those of you travelling on the M20 northbound, you have been warned!!

  3. OMG - well I have to say I am very aquainted with the UK's motorways but I've never been on the M20 - and from the sounds of things it's a good job!!! Personally I Ultra-Hate those service stations that lure you off but turn out not to be actually ON the motorway but via a series of roundabouts and short stretch of dual carriageway. Argh1

  4. On the beginning of a 24 hour journey home from Bali the airline stewardess who was purfumed, perfectly made up and who had perky boobs, opened a can of coke over me. It exploded like a sticky shower. There was a coke reseviour in my lap until I stood up then it just dribbled into my shoes. My legs were glued together by the time we reached Singapore. It's a wonder I had children. I have FULL sympathy with your tale...

  5. I'm sure you've had dozens of awards/shout-outs/stalkers BUT I've nominated you for an award anyway....do with it as you see fit. Thank you for your blog

  6. Thanks Lou and OMG - the coke can is bad!! I've never had that kind of misfortune. Then again it's a long time since I was on a plane...