As today has been incident free (well to be fair, I haven't gone outside yet) I thought I would fulfill the request of a family member and re-tell a tale involving my father's left testicle. The other choice was a request from a friend about an incident involving varicose veins and my bum - but I need to leave that until I've had a few drinks and sadly, there is no wine in the house.
My father is a VERY large man. Think large on the scale of the sort of blokes you usually see on Britain's Strongest Man, humping lorry parts along the sea-front at Minehead or picking up small children with his teeth (actually my dad does that too - but I digress). Because of this he needs very large trousers from special shops with names like 'The Big and Tall Man's Shop' . One of his favourites is a shop called Osbornes. The best thing about Osbornes is the catalogue - when my brother and I were little we would pounce on it with eager delight and then laugh until our jumpers were soaked with hot tears because the pictures and the models were that bad.
Now I haven't seen the catalogue in years but I'm pleased to say that Osbornes have moved with the times had now have a website. I just had a quick peak and, although the majority of pics are now far more professional, there are still some gems to be found.
The shop is based in the small seaside town of Beer so, here it is, my very own run-down of 'Beer's Next Top Model':
In 6th place we have 'Surfs Up!' - just about the most unlikely candidate you will ever see atop a board and riding the waves:
In 5th place we have Beer's idea of 'representing Ethnic Minorities'. Clearly unable to find anybody anything other than white, they have resorted to using a sort of legless torso akin to the kind of thing you usually see on 'Waking the Dead':
In 4th place we have this cheeky chappy who is clearly just begging for you to go upstairs with him and share his juice:
In 3rd place we have 'Nice Cup of Tea'. What I love about this shot (other than the very professional nature of it) is the way he's drunk most of the wine in his rack and shoved a tea towel in one of the holes. That and the fact there appears to be the claws of an alien beast inches away from the left side of his head..... Oh and that's before we start on the fact that the pyjamas he's modelling for a Big and Tall Man's shop are woefully too long for him. So we clearly have a 'Big and Tall Man's Shop' that couldn't find any tall men.....
In 2nd place is 'Come on Baby Light My Fire'. Magnificent. Everything about it certainly ignited me. From the way he's looking lustfully into the middle distance through to the misted reflection of the nasty lampshade in the mirror, the whole thing just screams HOME MADE PORNO. Either that or ESCAPE FROM THE UNIT. That aside, I'm not sure it quite sets the garment off at it's best? The crumpled seam.... the way it appears to be made for a man with 14 ft arms......the way the seam hangs only millimeters from the fire ready to reduce to him a human fireball at any moment..... Still it's a good effort all the same.
And finally - our winner! I'm saying nothing more than 'The Dog's Bollocks'. Or should that be 'The Dog's at His Bollocks'...... Ohh and don't his feet look cold!
Anyway - crazy modelling shots aside - my dad buys his clothes there. And very good clothes they are too. However, such is the nature of my father that he still, occasionally, manages to bust a seam and then it's down to my poor mother to sew them back together again.
It was after one such seam-busting occurance that the 'incident' occured. He'd split his trousers and made my mum sew them back together again. Sew them back together in time for a very important meeting he was chairing.
So he gets to the 'Very Important Meeting' in his newly repaired trousers and greets the delegates before moving to the head of table and taking his seat.
The next thing the delegates see is a 25 stone man shooting 12 foot into the air shouting YOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY LEFT TESTICLE!
They then witness their Chairman shuffling very slowly out of the 'Very Important Meeting' and into the men's toilets where he had to ask for assistance in removing a very large sewing needle which, it appears, my mother had left in the crotch of his trousers.
The needle entered his ball with such force that it was bent 90 degrees.
I'm sure a therapist would have a field day with the symbolism of that but let's just say - she wasn't in his good books for a while.
And you thought meetings were boring?