Sunday, 7 March 2010

Pink Pussies

Well the big news here is that (brace yourself) my new bedroom has reached the stage of having a carpet and my mattress has moved from the living room floor to the bedroom floor!! Whoop whoop. The kids are slightly devastated at the loss of their 'soft play centre' but I am over the moon I now have a living room you can actually walk in (rather than bound from point to point). It is slightly odd sleeping upstairs but I'm sure I'll get used to it. The next step is obtaining a bed.

The next news is that I've been poorly. The day after I tossed the badger my eyes swelled up,3 went all red and started to close. I know what your thinking, by catapulting that badger across the barn I have somehow upset the laws of Badger Karma and this is my punishment. Either that or I've got TB.

No it's not badger related, I think (pray?) it's just a virus. By Friday it had progressed to a migraine and the inability to move very far (or breathe very hard) so I had to call in my mum to do the school run (this is a huge luxury I've never had before as I've never lived near family).

While my mum was here she asked if there was anything else she could do for me and I realised that on Saturday my son had a 5 year old's birthday party to go to and I had no present. to send Could she possibly (as she was going to the supermarket anyway) pick up something for a 5 year old boy?

Yes of course she could. No problem.

Thanks mum BUT LISTEN. When you are choosing this gift can you please please please bear something in mind?

1. It's not 1982 anymore and times have moved on.

2. Even when it was 1982 you did me no favours by insisting that I wore nothing but lace up Startrite shoes or wellies 24/7 (I think they may have even been boys' Startrite shoes), dressing me in those brown corduroy dungarees with appliqued ducks on which a relative sent via the post inside an old 'Winalot' dog food bag and thus always smelt slightly of a dried meat dog biscuits.

3. My son is not like 'every other 5 year old boy'. My son may be sitting here now watching a BBC Four documentary on Indian Hill Railways and clutching a slightly battered stuffed guinea pig (a toy one, I haven't yet added taxidermy to the list of option awaiting the Dead Pets) but many other 5 year old boys are keener to open presents emblazoned with words like KABBOOMMM!!! SMASH!!!! FAST!!! and linked to some kind of commercial television programme. If you really can't face that, just get some Lego. OK?

What was I thinking!?


This was, after all, the woman who bought her 18 year old only daughter a men's fern green dressing gown from M&S as her 'Coming of Age' birthday present. Not to mention that in the face of 'but everyone else is going as Madonna!' sent her daughter to school dressed as an elephant...... (and don't forget the Spandex Lacewing).

She returned with.......

.......a £2.99 'Make Your Own Pom Pom Pets' set replete with photos of kittens adorned with pink sequins. PINK SEQUINS!

I toyed with the idea of crawling from my sick bed (actually as I haven't got a bed it's my sick mattress) to supplement it with a 'Death Eating Cage Wrestler' or similar but couldn't actually be arsed.

So sorry mate - and at the end of the day who knows, maybe sequined pink pussies are right up your tree? This could be the start of something beautiful.

Or maybe not.


  1. OMG! What a present! What was she thinking?
    I'd love to have been a fly on the wall when that present was opened.
    Hope you're feeling better now.
    Sue xx

  2. Let's just say I'm VERY happy that the child didn't open his presents at the party. I'm also kind of hoping the name tag might fall off....

  3. Oh that's brilliant!

  4. ...and you wonder why you attract 'the wrong sort' to this page...!!

    Looking forward to the next headline...