Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Birthday Boy

First off - apologies if this post is slightly garbled. In light of the fact that the government has decided that I should contribute more than the average punter to repaying the National Debt by raising the price of cider dramatically, I have tried out some whisky.

I'm not sure it was a good move.

I've only had 3 (largish) swigs and the floor is moving.

Anyway moving on (gently).

I'm sitting here drinking my OH's fancy whisky and he's on a train to London. Which is sad because it's his birthday. He had the day off work but as he needs to be in London for work first thing tomorrow his plans of a nice dinner, a bit of booze and some love (some love? Who am I kidding. We have a displaced child sleeping in our bed, a hole in the dining room wall and most of our furniture taking up the only habitable living space. It would take more than the Karma Sutra to find a suitable position. It would take a fork lift truck and a team of builders).

Anyway - despite the rather rubbish ending, I hope he enjoyed the rest of his birthday.

Because of 'the current situation' (i.e the state of things, in particular the house) I wasn't able to give much time or preparation for the big day. In fact the only preparation I was able to give was standing in Sainsbury's yesterday thinking 'oh shit, it's his birthday tomorrow, what the hell am I going to buy him?'.

I contemplated some new socks and perhaps a vest but then realised he wasn't actually my grandad and our relationship hasn't quite reached that point so had a quick rethink.

Well what would you do?

He doesn't want aftershave or a new dressing gown or a selection of spring bulbs.

He doesn't want breakfast cereal or chicken fillets or toilet rolls.

No. What this man needs is tinned mackerel.

Not just ANY tinned mackerel but a medley of tinned mackerel.

He's always been a fan of the oily fish. It keeps his coat glossy and his eyes bright. Rather like a Labrador. So I thought I'd indulge him.

Mackerel in sunflower oil.
Mackerel in olive oil.
Mackerel in tomato sauce.
Mackerel in spicy tomato sauce.
Mackerel in mustard sauce.
Mackerel in pepper sauce.
Mackerel in chili sauce.

Surely every man's fantasy?

This morning I came downstairs and made him a cup of tea and a hot cross bun and then the kids and I burst in and thrilled him with our selection of the Fruits of the Sea (actually we woke him up and gave him an awful shock but the thought was there).

I think his exact words were 'oh great!' followed by a pained smile.

'Well you won't be stuck for lunch ideas now!' I added (with a pained smile).

At this point WWIII broke out between the children as they both developed a sudden and insatiable desire to add 'full complement of tinned mackerel' to their toy collection.

Apparently tins of mackerel make excellent train carriages and also marvellous towers. And you can't just have half the tins. Oh no - you must have ALL the tins. And you will fight to the death to get them (including lobbing them at each other's heads).

Tins of mackerel confiscated and removed to a 'very high shelf' we left my OH on his floor cushions (remember, this man is still sleeping on the floor) with his cold hot cross buns and tepid tea and retreated to the rubble filled ground floor.

Happy Birthday OH. I hope you know how special you are. There's no other man out there I'd buy mackerel.........

And this weekend I will re-open The Tedster Bistro. The special 'home restaurant' I only open for birthday's and anniversaries where I cook 3 marvelous courses all themed around dead pets.

What more do you want?


  1. Did you make him mackeral sandwiches to take on the train to London? I'm glad I wasn't sitting beside him. Now that has given me an idea for my husband's birthday present - you may have started a new trend.

  2. OMG! I'm trying to imagine my OH's face if I did this for his b'day! Could I tell him it's the "in thing"?!
    Hope the weekend goes well.
    Sympathies too about the cider. I'm not a cider drinker (first ever hangover and not touched since!) but I thought the 10% was a little excessive.
    Sue xx