Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Pump it Up

OK this is a post about my balls as I got them out again this weekend but, before I go on ,I need to make it VERY clear that when I talk about my balls they are large, inflatable, gym balls that are used to help pregnant women find good positions to labour in.

With this fact in mind, would all the people who are finding this blog via googling ‘balls getting sucked’ or ‘naked balls getting sucked’ (naked as opposed to what? Balls wearing tuxedo’s and a bow tie?) please move on. My balls might be somewhat troublesome but they are not particularly erotic.

Anyway once gain my balls have been problematic.

This time I had difficulty even locating them. After moving house they were flattened in a box somewhere and it took quite a bit of rummaging until they were back in my hands.

Having finally dragged them out into the harsh light of day, I then transported them to their destination (200 miles away) un-inflated (you don’t want balls banging off your gear stick all the way down the M4) with the intention of pumping them up when I got there.

Unpacked them, got my pump out….. 3 thrusts later – CRACK. The pump snapped clean in two.

Oh. Marvelous.

I wasn’t expecting that.

At a loss at to what to do next (I was being assessed by an examiner and she would be keen to see me facilitating use of my balls) I went down to (once again) bother the young man on reception. He is German and struggles a bit with some English words but is possibly the keenest and most helpful receptionist I have ever come across so I felt if there was ever a man who could help inflate my balls, it would be him.

‘I’m really sorry but I was trying to pump up my big ball and I’ve snapped the pump, I don’t suppose you have a bicycle pump or something do you?’.

‘Ahhh no I have no pump. Zis ball – it iz alwayz giving you trouble – is this the same ball that we had liberated from zee sub-station?’.

‘Erm, yes ‘(good god – he’s remembered!? Slight panic he might read my blog and also be able to recall the facts that I have piles, a bladder problem and once stole a Christmas Tree from a church hall).

‘Ahhh we ALL remember that one! Crazy times huh!'.

'Errr yeah, crazzzeeee times indeed' (said with huge fake smile).

'I have no pump but I have glue!’.

‘Riiiiighhhht’ (bicycle pump/tube of glue - easily confused I often find.....).

‘I will glue your pump!’.


(He liberally applies glue to my pump).

‘Okay, now we just wait for glue to do setting. We need it to go hard’.

‘Erm, does it say on the packet how long that will take? The hardness?’

(he reads packet carefully and then raises his head in triumph to utter…..)

‘6 HOURS!’.

‘We don’t have 6 hours’.

‘Okay, we will we do our best!’.

(At this point he blows enthusiastically onto the glue clad joint. Clearly he thinks his breath is like that of Superman or similar and able to prompt chemical change within milliseconds.....his breath fails. The two parts hang limply together, vaguely joined but in no way cemented).

Shrugging, he got me to hold the two broken ends together while he used the pump. The problem was, what with the limp joint between the two parts, he couldn’t push very hard or very far – thus he had to do about 40,000 ‘mini’ pumps to get the ball inflated.

And that, my friend, is how I ended up spending my Saturday morning crouched beneath a young German receptionist as he pumped away and got rather breathless, whilst repeatedly muttering 'is it firm enough yet or do you want it harder?' (I seriously wish I was making this up - I'm not).

Even I was blushing.

I’d like to tell you that at this point the examiner (who would be marking me on how well I met the needs of men) walked in….but she never showed up so I can’t (that’s a WHOLE different story).

When he finished I thanked him profusely and apologised for ‘the odd things that he has to do for me’.

‘Oh this! This is not odd!’ he shrugged.

Intrigued I raised an eyebrow.

‘No – the odd people – they are the ones who come here to cry’.

‘To cry?’.

‘Yes, there are people at the end of the corridor. They have mattresses they lie on. They lie together and hug. Then they roll around and cry. That is why they come. I find this odd’.

‘Erm, yeah, so do I (at this point I wonder about glue fumes and how much he's inhaled). What is this group called?’.

‘The Crying Mattress People’ he shrugged, ‘well that is what I call them’.

I nodded (I didn't actually know what to say).

‘They bother me some because I have to drag all the mattresses out for them and the mattresses are very heavy and must come a long way. I wish they would bring their own’.

With that he went back to arranging the crisp packets in the little basket on his desk.

Intrigued, but slightly sure that something had been lost in translation, I ventured down to the room at the end of the corridor and, sure enough, the floor was covered in mattresses.

I’ve never felt so sane.


  1. O my word. I don't think I've laughed out loud as much before reading this post.

  2. now you see.... I may be thick.... I may be missing sommat, but why did you need balls??

    Anyway we need to discuss your radio career now our Terry hs upsticks and left us.... are you OK to work with Chris Evans?? Think he might need you actually, according to MIL a die hard TOG I am the only person in the WWW who likes Chris

  3. ROFL! My mind is boggling - not at you and your balls but the "crying mattress people" - who on earth are they?!
    Sue xx

  4. By far, your funniest blog entry to date. You have such a way with words! The crying mattress people sounds like a group I need to join.

  5. Oh dear me, pumping hard balls should always be done with a german accent. And is there a crying mattress group near here? I see a franchise...

  6. 困難的不在於新概念,而在於逃避舊有的概念。.........................

  7. where can I get me one of them mattresses??

  8. Please, please investigate The Crying Mattress People. We absolutely must know what that's all about.

  9. Please do not lose them again lol


  10. BTW the other person in the pic with Nicks is me 'cos we are bessie mates lol

  11. sorry but another BTW

    take a look at my blog and you will seee what a great c/mas we had with Nicks and her family
    My OH has cancer and she decided we shaould have the festive season with her family [mine left me for Wales and north of Scotland!!]


  12. Thanks everyone!! I am absolutely INTRIGUED by the 'crying mattress people' - I'm trying to think up ways I could possibly find out what group it is that goes on in there but alas, as yet, google has turned up nothing ;).

    Nicks - I'd love a radio career! Not sure that Radio 2 in the morning could quite handle me and my balls though.....!!!

    Sparkles - lovely lovely pictures! It sounds like you had a very special Christmas - what a lovely family you have. I am sending all my love and best wishes to your and your OH, you are clearly a very special lady.


  13. You need to write a book! I am sure it would be a best seller, it would be like a female adult Adrian Mole. I love your blog. I never ever fail to smile :0)