Wednesday, 20 January 2010


Well the chaos reigns on. If I'm not losing my balls or snapping my pump, I'm still sleeping on the living room carpet with a grand choice of two jumpers (and a hoody) as my 'wardrobe' (well it makes fashion choices easier - you just get up and go out in whatever jumper you slept in). I'm up to my neck in work, studying, kids and house renovations but it's all really good positive stuff so I'm trying not to let the '2 jumpers and a hoody' situation get me down.

Anyhow - amidst all this a rather marvelous moment has occurred.

The toddler has started pre-school.

As of last Wednesday I have time every week where (brace yourselves) I am NOT ACCOMPANIED BY A SMALL CHILD.


I went to look at bathroom floortiles yesterday (a whole new world that was) and I found myself sitting outside taking a deep breathe ready to deal with a '2 year old in warehouse full of towering tiles and forklift trucks reversing' only to realise - I didn't have to!!

How strange it was to actually have a conversation with the customer advisor without having to regularly bellow 'GET DOWN, COME HERE, HOLD MY HAND' and close one ear to the sound of howling.

Don't worry though - for the majority of the time (and of course all the holidays.....) I will still have him and his brother in tow so I'm sure there will be plenty more posts about nightmare incidents in public toilets and horrific scenes in M&S (if that is why you come here....).

In fact - since starting pre-school the toddler seems to have upped the ante when it comes to public humiliation.

You could describe him as 'outgoing and spirited with a cheeky sense of fun'. (perhaps if you were trying to sell him on Ebay).

Alternatively you could just call him 'a little sod'.

I made the mistake of taking him and his brother to Asda without putting them in a trolley (I do still cram them into a trolley if I can even though the elder one says it hurts and his legs go numb... The alternative is a dog lead each which might just get me arrested - although then again, I've seen stranger sights in Asda).

I was only nipping in with my mum who was stocking up on a couple of essentials (that'll be 6 bottles of wine and 2 litres of Scotch then) so didn't think anything could possibly happen that would be that stressful.

Anyway we'd only just entered the building when the toddler shot off at speed into the clothing department. He LOVES the clothing department - the thrill of the chase round the women's lingerie section with me in hot pursuit is second to none.

On this occasion he came across a lady, bent over examining the bras.

And do you know what he did?

With a look of sheer joy he drew back his right hand and......

...smacked her on the arse.


Dear god.

The poor woman (who to be fair had no idea the culprit was a 2 year old) screeched and shot about 2 foot in the air.

Fortunately (very fortunately) she was a young mum who was also accompanied by a 2 year old so she gave me a sympathetic smile and I skulked off (with a screaming 2 year old now wedged under my arm).

We (eventually and painfully) got to the tills to pay. The toddler was queuing quite nicely until we turned round to see he'd pulled down his trousers and was examining his 'ding ding' (I do NOT know where he got the phrase 'ding ding' from - certainly not me) in full public view, adjacent to the display of Cadbury's Creme Eggs.


We hustled him through the till area and then he was off again, racing away towards the door.....until he spotted a rather interesting looking woman sat at the entrance of the Cafe. Dressed entirely in red felt (I mean how? Why? Where from? Presumably it was 'bespoke'?) she was slumped against the back of her chair looking startled (maybe somebody has assaulted her and forced her into the red-felt combo?).

The toddler approached her at high speed, leaped jubilantly into the air whilst pointing excitedly and shrieked BOOOOO BARRRRRRRRR directly into her face.

Fortunately she didn't react (perhaps she was in fact entirely made of felt?).

When we finally made it to the car park I didn't know whether to laugh or cry (I will confess that I laughed, even though I probably shouldn't have).

Anyway - as I was saying - him staring pre-school is a rather marvelous thing......;)

The Red Felt Wearing Women of Asda Cafe can go out and stare into space free from his reign of terror (well as long as they are back home by noon and don't go out on a Friday).


  1. WTG! You now have "me time"!
    Loving the ebay description of your toddler - do you think he'd fetch much?lol
    Sue xx

  2. I think screaming 'Booooooo Barrrrrrrr!' is THE only rational response to seeing someone dressed entirely in red felt. Your son sounds like an eminently sensible young man.

  3. Absolutely brilliant! While highly embarrassing for you, you have managed to provide me with a laugh and some very light relief from studying - thanks :)

  4. I really shouldn't read your blog whilst in pain. How can I not laugh, it's fantastic.

  5. I love this entry.

    It sounds to me like you'll really miss him when he's at preschool. Shopping will never be the same again.

    Plenty of material here for best man speeches at his wedding......

  6. The cadbury's cream eggs seem to be out very early this year don't they !!