Sunday, 25 October 2009


You will be relieved to here that (as of now) I am still here and the prophecy of my imminent demise is yet to be realised.


There was a small panic circa 7 am this morning when I noticed an alarming bright brown/orange mark on the white underside of my left arm. Having rapidly flicked through a mental list of possible (and, of course fatal) causes (e.g. rare and untreatable skin cancer, internal bleeding, disintegration of my epidermal layer - you get the idea), I came upon the realisation that I'd fallen asleep on a blob of fake tan.

So, thank heavens for that.

Now my greatest worry is that I can barely type because I've managed handicap myself with a set of talon like nail.

You see the stress of the move has taken it's toll in several ways, one of which is that I've chewed my nails away to nothing and left a right sorry mess behind. I was having my photograph taken today so in an effort to cover up the disaster zone I went to Boots and invested in a set of plastic glue-on falsies. I've never done this before so was something of a novice in this field. And judging by the fake tan acccident I should have known better.....

I deliberately chose the ones entitled NATURAL LOOK quickly followed by the word SHORT.

Well let me tell you now - they is nothing natural or short about them - they are proper Footballers Wives jobbies. Huge great clacking claws with big white square ends. I could do a lot of damage in a fight I tell thee.

Oh and don't even ask me about the application process.......

Simple? Simple my arse.

I ended up with several of my right hand fingers glued to the tops of my left hand nails and the glue itself is clearly from the same chemical-stable as super glue.

It looked like I was going to spend the next 7 days in a state of involuntary prayer but after a lot of tugging (and swearing) I manged to yank the right hand free.

I have left a layer of skin behind on top of the lefthand nails but if you don't look to closely it's not too noticeable. I can live with the pain and loss of my fingerprints.....

Anyway now they are on and they are a nightmare but I can't get them off because you need to soak them in acetone nail varnish remover and I've just discovered mine's in one of the 70 packing boxes filling my house......


So I'm stuck with them (literally) and I'm scrabbling around like a demented kitten. I kept waking in the night with bits of them digging into bits of me and my typing speed has dropped from 70 wpm to somewhere around 7....... Opening a can of Coke takes several minutes and they scare small children (although I will confess to using this to my advantage).

You're going to have to excuse any typos and until they drop off I'm going to have to find something else to chew.......


  1. LMAO, I feel your pain... I was staying in a friends one night and fell asleep, during her boredom, she decided it would be a good idea to put the nails on me - Practice I beleive she called it... needless to say, I was none too pleased... things went further downhill when we realised she had no nail varnish remover left... que much screaming and name calling... oh dear.

    Good luck with them... lol...

    BTW - how are your balls? Haven't heard from them in a while... :D SB xx

  2. am thinking this might be a good moment to commit some juicy crime... no fingerprints? Hurrah!

  3. Thanks for asking after my balls Social Butterfly. I'm afraid they are currently somewhat deflated and in storage. They may be coming out next month though to be used in a demo no less - so I'm sure there will be an update about them then!

    P - if we don't exchange contracts tomorrow I shall use my now fingerprint free fingers to do some serious damage to a couple of solicitors, an estate agent and a man somewhere in North London who needs a rocket up his arse (or alternatively - one of my nails).

  4. I am so relived to hear you are still with mortal coil.... obviously I have been thinking of nothing else cos it's only taken me 24 hours to realise you had posted... I seriously do hope your contracts get signed tomorrow... mind you the story of a man with a plastic nail up his arse would be worth watching sky news for