Friday, 16 October 2009

Girl, Interrupted

So yesterday I had to go to a 'very important meeting'.

I had to go back to the loony bin (I've been an inpatient, I'm allowed to use derogatory terminology) and speak to some very important government people about my experiences to try and ensure that as many women as possible get access to the best possible care and they don't close the specialist units down in an effort to save money. These units not only save women's lives but give childen and families their mothers back - and you seriously can't put a price on that.

So serious stuff aside it was a very important meeting about something that I feel incredibly strongly about so it was important that I came across well and, above all, not at all mad.

We were able to take our babies with us (presumably to demonstrate that they too had turned out 'normal' and the whole thing was a jolly good bona fide success) so I sat in this meeting with this very important lady and her clipboard and her dictaphone recording the conversation and to start with all was well.

The toddler was directly behind me having fun with the buffet table and they didn't seem to mind in the slightest that he'd worked his way through an entire platter of apples, taking one small bite of each one.

Rather like the hungry caterpillar he then moved on to some pears and then a selection of chocolate cakes.

I did, however, have to intervene when it became apparent that he'd started on the teabags......

Whether or not he starts to spin a cocoon and emerges transformed we have yet to find out. Either that or he'll overheat and start pissing Earl Grey........

Anyway, after some time (it was a long interview) his appetite was finally sated and he came over to join in the fun.

Let's just say that his contribution to the recordings was not welcome.

Important lady: 'So could you talk some more about your admission? Were you taken straight onto the Unit?'.

Toddler: 'Poo poo! Poo poo! In there! In there! (and with this he starts lifting up my jumper looking for my mysterious 'poo poo').

Me: 'Erm, my admission, yes, let me think......' (trying to push toddler away with my foot).

Important lady: 'I know this might be hard for you.....'

Toddler: 'Mummy's poo poo! I see! I SEE! (and with this he starts trying to tug the belt off my trousers).

Me: 'I'm just trying to think' (I'm actually just trying not to sink to the floor in shame and wish for the ground to swallow me whole. THIS IS GOING DOWN ON TAPE. Someone, somewhere is going to have to type this up.....).

Toddler: POO POO! IN THERE! I SEE!!!!!!

Important lady: Doesn't even a bat an eyelid. I guess she's used to hearing some pretty odd stuff.

In the end my failure to reveal my 'poo poo' resulted in him getting bored and scuttling off to finger paint with the coleslaw but not before my shame was absolute.

You see he often accompanies me to the toilet and he knows that people do 'poo poo' in the toilet so he seems to have put 2 and 2 together and made 155 and actually thinks that a lady's 'private parts' are called her 'poo poo'. Hopefully he will grow out of this at some point.

Quite why on EARTH he wanted to see such a thing (he's never asked before!) and quite why he wanted to see it there and then and in the middle of a meeting I have no idea. I'm just glad that I hadn't corrected him and taught him the correct terminology. Having a 2 year old shriek 'VAGINA' in the middle of an interview would have been too much, even for me.......


  1. he was just thankful that you took him somewhere with food this time and not back to the toddler group of water and rice cakes

  2. Agree with Nicks on this one!
    Sue xx

  3. Lottie once stood in the middle of the supermarket in the 'sanitary protection' aisle telling everyone at the top of her voice that these things were for when ladie's VAGINAs were BLEEDING and when I told her to be quiet she was upset because VAGINA IS THE RIGHT WORD MUMMY.....

  4. ha ha... reminds me of the time my daughter saw me using aforementioned sanitary product and demanded to know what it was, i explained as best I could to a 3 year old..... when I picked her up from pre school later that day she shouted across the hall

    "Mummy are you still bleeding from your Minnie?"

  5. LMAO - Ladies, I feel for you all!! Being one of these ghastly "boy things" I'm sure I put my mother through these sorts of situations too, though it probably didn't help that I was extremely loud and extremely feminine... add to the embarassment... Oh. Dear. lol she's recovered well now though... all is fine!! :D SBxx

  6. VAGINA! ha ha! I've tagged you for a book thingy on my blog, and neglected to tell you for 3 days, sorry:-) you don't have to play x

  7. PMSL........cor yer dun-half make me titter....and im not at all well...but believe me your read was the perfect tonic.....this swine flu is god dam shite"!!!!!!!!!!!and i feel like poo poo too...and no i dont feel like a!!!im not that way inclined xxsassy