Friday, 25 September 2009

Who needs London Fashion Week...

..when (brace yourself girls and boys) OSBORNE'S AUTUMN RANGE IS OUT!

If you haven't come across Osborne's before (and lets face it, you won't have unless a) you've been reading this blog since the start or b) you are male, very tall and possibly rather wide around the girth) then you need to read all about it here first: The World's Greatest Retailer of Clothes for Big Boys. You can't just plunge straight into this as an Osborne's virgin. The shock could be fatal.

Now before I start to fall about on the floor in a pool of my own spittle at their latest modelling shoot I need to make clear the following:

1. They are a very good company (if you are larger than average bear) and my dad buys most of his clothes there. I am not saying anything bad about them at all - just admiring their modelling shoots.

2. They are actually at the very cutting edge of advertising because they were doing the whole 'Dove - Real Beauty' campaign using less than perfect models long long long ago.....

3. If they ever do stumble across this fan base I would be more than happy to pose for them. I know they don't do women's clothes (and for that I think we should all be grateful) but they do use a lot of props in their pictures. I've noticed Collie dogs, Jack Russel's and a nice pussy in the latest catalogue so if they would like to add me to their prop list, I'm more than happy to strike an awkward pose in a slightly grubby kitchen, possibly holding a mug of tea and grimacing whilst admiring a man in ill fitting nightwear. BRING IT ON!

Anyway - enough of this wittering and on to what you have all been waiting for. The Osborne's Big Boys Autumnal Top 10. Polish your conkers and take a good hard look at these firecrackers......

At NUMBER 10 we have these 2 cheeky chappies, ready to lead you up the garden path and into the world of over-sized polo-shirt nirvana. Brace yourself ladies....

In at NUMBER 9 we have this fine example of manhood who, with his bitch at his ankles, demonstrates just how big and sharp his tool is:

At NUMBER 8 we have something from the sale section which, when you hover your mouse over the original, urges you to 'click to enlarge'. Erm, thanks but no thanks:

In at NUMBER 7 there's 'Autumn Days When the Grass is Jewelled' (and your strange black buttoned up shirt and white gilet combo is just shrieking NO NO NO). I particularly love the lighting of this shot. It has something very 'local paper' about it:

At NUMBER 6 we have a similarly odd shot, this one appearing to have been taken inside the local care home/Portakabin. Is it a man? Is it a woman? Is it in fact Father Jack of Father Ted fame about to shriek DRINK!? Is it a smile? Is it a grimace? Rather like the Mona Lisa, it's a mystery. And why, when they are modelling a coat, has the picture been taken indoors? Who knows. Who cares. Unless you find yourself lusting after some shower-proof beige in an exceptionally large size, you don't need to know:

At NUMBER 5 (gosh this is getting exciting) we have Double Trouble with these bad boys showing us how it should be done (and for reference it looks like they're atop the Cob down at Lyme Regis the scene of many a geograpy field trip - alas I never got to sketch this formation). I'll let the picture tell the rest of the story:

In at NUMBER 4 it's 'Nice Pussy' modelling an oversize dressing gown (need I even attempt to ask why the skinniest man available is modelling the largest item of clothing? Just LOOK at the sleeves! The sleeves alone on that garment could house his entire frame. I mean I know the batwing-drapey sleeve look is in, but I don't think it's quite reached over-sized men's nightwear - yet). Also, a tip here, next time I'd ditch the spider plant - it's merely detracting from his eye-contact/pussy interaction:

At NUMBER THREE it has to be 'Coffee?' (also known as 'would you like me to seduce you? Sorry but if the answer is yes I'm going to have to roll up these darn pyjama bottoms or else I'll trip going up the stairs, could you possibly help me with my gusset?):

At NUMBER TWO, it has to be the criminal astride the bed in a seedy B&B. So, so wrong in so many ways:

And the winner? Well such was the standard (or should that be lack of standard?) of this season's collection that I'm going to need to ask you to pick between:

A) 'Dazed and Confused Outside the Sauna Whilst Wearing a Showerproof Mac strangely branded 'ESPIONAGE with my hand rather awkwardly posed'':

or in fact B) (WARNING: DO NOT VIEW WHILST EATING OR IF YOU HAVE AN AVERSION TO GNARLY TOES). The photo trying to demonstrate 'Extra Length Pyjama Bottoms' where the model doesn't actually have extra-length legs, the trousers still bear that 'freshly creased from the packet they've just been ripped from' look, there is a strange brown goo leaking from the oven behind, the floor is clearly not very clean and rather cold and (AND!) the model has mutant toes which also need a damn good wash:

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Osborne's - you need a woman's touch - and that woman could be me.....


  1. I especially like Phil & Grant in no 5, looking hither and thither and neatly drawing your attention from the fact that they've just pushed the third model over that... what is it? Wall? Hoover Dam? Great Wall of China?

    Man, those guys are hard...

  2. OMG!!!! I'm crying with laughter, I must, must, must get me a copy of this AWESOME publication - wonderful stuff.

    Jan xx

  3. I'm crying!!! Please, please go and ask them if you can produce their next catalogue. I love the models! Do they just burst into any random Dorset pub and say 'You can have a free pint of Old Wallop if you don these pyjamas and old a cup of tea whilst standing in front of a manky aga' and see who volunteers?

  4. I'm also researching their website in a professional capacity and there are some utter howlers on there! 'Please type Autumn in the search box if you want to see the Autumn range'. Why not just have a link that says 'Autumn Range' on it lol.

    I may have ordered a catalogue. I thought it might make an excellent Christmas present for a friend :)

  5. ROFL! Oh wow! Be still my beating heart. What a start to the day - I may need a little lie down to recover!
    Thanks as always for the good laugh.
    Sue xx

  6. I am SO glad Claire posted this on FB, I really needed a laugh this morning!

  7. Oh my eyes! My EYES! Hysterical!!! :-D Love you SO much for making me laugh so hard.... x

  8. Utterly brilliant! Definitely one up from the old knitting patterns you used to get, and they were funny enough! And they produced a range of cards based on those, with funny one liners - I can see a whole new career pathway opening up for you!

  9. OMG - this is your funniest blog post yet! I LOL'd so much. That company so need to employ you as copywriter for their next catelogue.

  10. You have made my day - thank you. I was crying with laughter while reading this.

  11. Nooooooo, this cannot be serious! LOL!

  12. Love it!!! Just goes to show that you don't have to be a size zero to be a super model. There's hope for me yet!! :o)

  13. I am in work and nearly imploded with trying not to roar laughing! You are a tonic and definitely worth reading irst thing on a Monday morning!!

  14. make that First thing...:)

  15. OMG .... I hardly know how to confess this but I have SLEPT (no not with one of the models!) in the cottage featured in No 10. It's a National Trust holiday cottage in Branscombe, Devon

    What a claim to fame, eh?!

    Off to browse the rest of the Top Ten now ...

  16. WHY do they have that skinny short (by their standards) guy modelling for them??? It's just painful how bad it looks - yes, extra-length trousers, see how they puddle on the floor....fab!!

  17. Whaaaaat! We have a follower who has actually TRODDEN THE PATH OF OSBORNE'S CATALOGUE FAME! Dingbatsbird - we could start a tour. You could do the cottage, I could do the Cob at Lyme Regis - I'm not sure who gets to do the sauna.....