Who needs London Fashion Week...

..when (brace yourself girls and boys) OSBORNE'S AUTUMN RANGE IS OUT!

If you haven't come across Osborne's before (and lets face it, you won't have unless a) you've been reading this blog since the start or b) you are male, very tall and possibly rather wide around the girth) then you need to read all about it here first: The World's Greatest Retailer of Clothes for Big Boys. You can't just plunge straight into this as an Osborne's virgin. The shock could be fatal.

Now before I start to fall about on the floor in a pool of my own spittle at their latest modelling shoot I need to make clear the following:

1. They are a very good company (if you are larger than average bear) and my dad buys most of his clothes there. I am not saying anything bad about them at all - just admiring their modelling shoots.

2. They are actually at the very cutting edge of advertising because they were doing the whole 'Dove - Real Beauty' campaign using less than perfect models long long long ago.....

3. If they ever do stumble across this fan base I would be more than happy to pose for them. I know they don't do women's clothes (and for that I think we should all be grateful) but they do use a lot of props in their pictures. I've noticed Collie dogs, Jack Russel's and a nice pussy in the latest catalogue so if they would like to add me to their prop list, I'm more than happy to strike an awkward pose in a slightly grubby kitchen, possibly holding a mug of tea and grimacing whilst admiring a man in ill fitting nightwear. BRING IT ON!

Anyway - enough of this wittering and on to what you have all been waiting for. The Osborne's Big Boys Autumnal Top 10. Polish your conkers and take a good hard look at these firecrackers......

At NUMBER 10 we have these 2 cheeky chappies, ready to lead you up the garden path and into the world of over-sized polo-shirt nirvana. Brace yourself ladies....



In at NUMBER 9 we have this fine example of manhood who, with his bitch at his ankles, demonstrates just how big and sharp his tool is:



At NUMBER 8 we have something from the sale section which, when you hover your mouse over the original, urges you to 'click to enlarge'. Erm, thanks but no thanks:



In at NUMBER 7 there's 'Autumn Days When the Grass is Jewelled' (and your strange black buttoned up shirt and white gilet combo is just shrieking NO NO NO). I particularly love the lighting of this shot. It has something very 'local paper' about it:


At NUMBER 6 we have a similarly odd shot, this one appearing to have been taken inside the local care home/Portakabin. Is it a man? Is it a woman? Is it in fact Father Jack of Father Ted fame about to shriek DRINK!? Is it a smile? Is it a grimace? Rather like the Mona Lisa, it's a mystery. And why, when they are modelling a coat, has the picture been taken indoors? Who knows. Who cares. Unless you find yourself lusting after some shower-proof beige in an exceptionally large size, you don't need to know:


At NUMBER 5 (gosh this is getting exciting) we have Double Trouble with these bad boys showing us how it should be done (and for reference it looks like they're atop the Cob down at Lyme Regis the scene of many a geograpy field trip - alas I never got to sketch this formation). I'll let the picture tell the rest of the story:


In at NUMBER 4 it's 'Nice Pussy' modelling an oversize dressing gown (need I even attempt to ask why the skinniest man available is modelling the largest item of clothing? Just LOOK at the sleeves! The sleeves alone on that garment could house his entire frame. I mean I know the batwing-drapey sleeve look is in, but I don't think it's quite reached over-sized men's nightwear - yet). Also, a tip here, next time I'd ditch the spider plant - it's merely detracting from his eye-contact/pussy interaction:


At NUMBER THREE it has to be 'Coffee?' (also known as 'would you like me to seduce you? Sorry but if the answer is yes I'm going to have to roll up these darn pyjama bottoms or else I'll trip going up the stairs, could you possibly help me with my gusset?):



At NUMBER TWO, it has to be the criminal astride the bed in a seedy B&B. So, so wrong in so many ways:



And the winner? Well such was the standard (or should that be lack of standard?) of this season's collection that I'm going to need to ask you to pick between:

A) 'Dazed and Confused Outside the Sauna Whilst Wearing a Showerproof Mac strangely branded 'ESPIONAGE with my hand rather awkwardly posed'':



or in fact B) (WARNING: DO NOT VIEW WHILST EATING OR IF YOU HAVE AN AVERSION TO GNARLY TOES). The photo trying to demonstrate 'Extra Length Pyjama Bottoms' where the model doesn't actually have extra-length legs, the trousers still bear that 'freshly creased from the packet they've just been ripped from' look, there is a strange brown goo leaking from the oven behind, the floor is clearly not very clean and rather cold and (AND!) the model has mutant toes which also need a damn good wash:



I've said it before and I'll say it again. Osborne's - you need a woman's touch - and that woman could be me.....

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