It started with a (very large) bang and trip to A&E. It progressed through several degrees of illness, loss of a relative and various other trials and it's just ended (although it's not midnight yet - there is potential in the next few hours....) with another bang - albeit a less serious and rather more humorous one. Once again, the toddler was involved.
You see he turned 2 last month and, as he hasn't been weighed for over a year, I thought it would be nice to take him down to the baby clinic in the local town and get him weighed. Just so they could jot it down in his Red Book for posterity. Just, you know, a nice harmless thing to do on a Wednesday morning.
I should have known.
Things have changed since the last time I went. It used to be something of a free-for-all. It's now been 'streamlined' and you have to take a ticket, a bit like at the cheese counter in Tescos, and wait to be called.
Thus we found ourselves seated in the waiting area with approximately 112 elderly people awaiting blood tests and a scattering of very new mums and pregnant ladies.
At the end of the waiting area, amongst the children's play house, was a large tripod stand holding up a very large whiteboard filled with information about infant health and keeping your baby safe........
(Those of you who know me can probably guess what's coming next.....).
Yup circa 3 minutes later there was deafening crash, the tripod had been felled, the board had been scattered and underneath it all was a small child. MY small child.
There is something slightly ironic about your child being squashed by a display on infant health and safety.......
He howled (this is a good sign - very badly injured children don't howl) and it was clear to me that he was absolutely fine other than rather shocked and with a red mark on his shoulder.
I was fine (I gave a sort of resigned sigh and then, once it was clear he was absolutely fine, in fact he'd barely noticed, I had to try very hard not to laugh) but the rest of the waiting room?
My god - you would have thought a lion had burst into the waiting room and attacked him. People started calling for cold compresses and Major Incident Report Forms and witnesses (witnesses!?) and a Physiotherapist (a Physio!? I think this was because she was the only person in the building medically qualified other than the Health Visitors, who all seemed to have gone into shock, and the Speech Therapist - who probably doesn't deal with squashed toddlers all that often).
My own Health Visitor came out of her room to survey the chaos and on seeing me did a double-take and said 'I might have known it would have been you'.
Everyone started declaring the sign a danger and saying it shouldn't have been there - which was quickly followed by a back track of 'of course it's been there ages and NOTHING like this has EVERY happened before', shortly followed by 'was he swinging on it? WERE YOU WATCHING HIM?'. No he wasn't and yes I was.
Anyway the toddler hooned around laughing while I spent 20 minutes filling in rather serious forms and signing witness statements. Blimey. I was like 'he's FINE! For heaven's sake - HE'S GOT AN OLDER BROTHER - this doesn't even register on his scale of bumps'. But they were having none of it - and the very grave report on his tustle with the tripod is off to join the rest of his reports in their file.....
After all that I needed a cup of tea so I headed under the sub-way and into the town. I will not name the town but let's just say it's seen better days. Even the McDonald's has gone bust.
Having had a cuppa I thought I'd take advantage of the discount vibe of the town and ventured into 'Savers'.
If you are not familiar with 'Savers', it's a shop which sells toiletries and cleaning products at slightly cheaper than normal prices.
For some reason 'Savers' is always full of old people who, despite the fact that there is PLENTY of stock on the shelves (and more in the store cupboard) and the shop is open all day long, are all shopping as if Armageddon is nigh and their survival depends on getting that can of Baptiste Dry Shampoo into their basket within the next 2 seconds and NOTHING AND NO-ONE MUST STAND IN THEIR WAY.
Bearing in mind the shop is small, cramped and badly laid out (why block half an aisle with a huge metal basket full of 20p sponges? How many sponges do the people of the town actually buy?) and that most of the customers are sporting mobility buggies, walking sticks or wheelchairs - it is NOT a good place to take a pushchair. Only I only realised this once I was wedged between the sponges and the TCP with no way out.
Shudder.
I did eventually get out but not without brushing against the foot of a man who let out an actual roar of rage and declared I could have done him 'a lot of damage'.
Good job the old tripod stand didn't fall on him then isn't it?
Anyway - roll on October......
I just love the way you write! And this is so ironic! x
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