Friday, 7 May 2010

The One About the Boobie Bush

So I took the kids back to the Garden Centre. Don't ask me why, it's a long story involving gynecological procedures which might put people off their tea (as opposed to mere Haunted Vaginas and Tossing Badgers - which you can read over a large Chicken Dansak and not miss a bite).

Anyway I needed a sit down and some peace and a large slice of chocolate based cake - even if it did cost £3.50 Obviously I didn't realise that until I got to the till and had a small choking fit.

THREE POUNDS FIFTY. That makes the whole cake 28 quid. Pah. I'm going into cake making for a living. Actually, on second thoughts, no......

Things went OK whilst in the garden centre, mainly because we sat outside away from all things china. There was a small moment of shame when Original Son stood atop the climbing frame and boomed, across the heads of various congregated silver gents, 'MUMMY I NEED A WEE AND A POO AND IT'S VERY URGENT, IN FACT SO URGENT THAT THERE IS A SMALL BIT COME OUT BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE IT'S ONLY WEE. SO THAT'S OK ISN'T IT? YOU'RE NOT THAT CROSS, ARE YOU?'.

I'm sure the scone nibbling pensioners of Somerset were relieved to hear they could continue their afternoon tea free from worry about potential skid marks and witnessing some kind of a child beating.


Obviously, after this we had to leave and it was on leaving that the problems started.

The first problem is that just outside the door is one of those ride on toys you put money in so kids can get a 2 minutes trip to happiness. Only my kids don't actually know that. The bit about the money that is. They aren't aware those ride on toys do anything other than the bits that come free (i.e they remain stock still, like a statue, unless you rock them really REALLY hard when they do move a teeny tiny bit).

The ride-on toy in question is a rather odd one to say the least. It's not your normal Thomas the Tank or Pink Elephant. No.

It actually takes the form of a large psychedelic toadstool complete with psychotic looking rodents and a strange bluebird.

The kids however love it. They leap aboard and shriek 'we're going to the moon!' before attempting to rock it off it's moorings. For 0 pence it gives quite a good ride I have to say.

The downside is that as it's right by the Exit a large number of people walk past and either give me a very odd look or 'helpfully' suggest I put money in it. The odd few laugh or give me a sympathetic smile. I'm not sure if they presume I'm too poor to pay for it or too stupid to work out where to put the money in, but frankly, I don't care.

Anyway understandably I am desperate to leave and they never want to so today I lured them away with a promise of the first thing I could think off that would be irresistible to a small boy.


Toy cars?

A trip to a freight train depot? (Or is that just my kids?).

No. None of the above. I glanced frantically round the car park and came up with......

'Wow kids, let's go and look at some amazing bushes!'.

I mean who wouldn't want to sprint away from a psychotic mushroom that takes you to the moon to look at some topiary?

The bushes in question have been carefully crafted into various forms and line the side of the car park so the kids were in full view of many people when the eldest decided to launch himself on top of the totally spherical one.

In a single bound he was balanced on top of the dense foliage. He then began a mild humping action whilst shrieking 'THIS BUSH IS CRAZY!'.

Sigh. Too much time in the mushroom methinks.

Having been quickly dragged off the bush, he turned his attention to the one next door .

The one next door is some kind of creature sat on it's arse with it's 4 legs sticking out in front of it and large erect ears. I think it's a mouse, my kids think it's a dog.

A dog with boobies.

To be fair about this the top 2 legs do actually bear a striking resemblance to very large, pendulous bosoms (I think they need a bit of pruning before they droop all the way to the dog's knees). They also wobble. A lot. Particularly if attacked by two small boys screaming 'BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES' as they run back and forth whacking them.

Such was my desperation to remove them from the scene that I ended up having a tug of war with the toddler - me holding his lower torso, him holding a topiary boobie......

A struggle ensued but it had to end when I realised that this was only going to end with the 'boobie' coming adrift and me (and the rest of the garden centres customers) being forever haunted by the gaping, leafless hole it would leave (not to mention what the hell I'd do with a disconnected leafy boob).

So I let go and lured him away with chocolate.

There's not a chapter on these sort of scenarios in Toddler Taming, is there? I think it needs rewriting.


  1. Oh boy! Your boys have a wicked imagination!
    Sue xx

  2. lol! If you win, you could ask for garden centre vouchers instead of John Lewis ones! Maybe if you won 3 or 4 categories, you could afford a whole cake :o(

  3. I always feel vaguely relieved when I read your blog, in a 'glad it's not just me' kind of a way.

    What can I say? Those Funniest MAD Blogger prizes have got your name written all over them.

  4. lol so funny. First time ive read your blog, im previewing the mads on flying start magazines website so lots of new blog reading to do! ... On my ipod touch so my eyes dont go square at the computer!

  5. Oh my goodness! That is just hillarious. Not for you, obviously, but to the rest of us! Thanks for sharing (congrats on the MADs thing by the way - it's how I found you!)

  6. Hi Slightly South - Sally, here, from the MADs. Could you possibly drop me a quick email when you get a mo?


  7. Thanks Flying Start and Luschka - great to see you over here! Glad my adventures can be put to a good cause!!

    Hi Sally! I've just emailed you at that address so you should (hopefully) have it by now.



  8. Love it. I too am allergic to feeding those machines with pennies....actually NOT pennies more like £1!!! Love the wee/poo bit best. Out of the mouths of babes.....