Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Knife Crime

Well here we go... the Eve of Christmas Eve and everyone is revving up for the big one, one last push and over the top we go.....

Well actually in my case I'm sat at home with a stinking cold, iced in (we have no snow but it's rained hard, on ice, and then frozen ice on ice and nobody can actually go anywhere), struggling to find the energy to wrap presents (wrapping presents is hard when your life is in boxes - 20 minutes to find the paper, 20 minutes to find the sellotape, give up on the gift tags so try and find a Biro instead to just write on the paper - can't even find a Biro - end up scrawling on present with a green permanent marker.... you get the idea, long, painstaking and scruffy) and sitting in the 2 square foot of my living room that you can actually sit in.

You see - in preparation for Christmas I decided to get my damp patch seen too.

Most people start baking cakes, ordering turkeys or deciding how to dress their mantle.

I invite a man round to address my damp patch and thus end up with my carpets rolled back, my Christmas Tree in the middle of the room and my furniture and TV (and me) in 2 square foot of space. I didn't think this would be a problem as the damp proof course was 3 days of work.

Yes 3 days of work and (at this rate) 300 days of drying time...... The plaster is not drying. Well actually it is drying - if you filmed it in time-lapse photography you might actually be able to see the dry bit creeping across the wall at the rate that grass grows - so at this rate it will cover the room by about June. Lets just say, conditions remain moist.

But it doesn't bother me because (as usual) we aren't spending Christmas Day here amongst the wet plaster and misplaced greenery. No no - we are (once again) going to my parent's house. Which is all very lovely and very very generous (the food will be amazing, they love us to bits, we are very lucky etc etc) BUT we are already bracing ourselves for this year's 'Seasonal Rage'.

To get the gist of from whom this Seasonal Rage eminates you need to understand that:

a) my dad is 6ft 7"
b) my dad is around the 30 stone mark
c) my dad is basically what would happen if you mated Gordon Ramsay with Brian Blessed.

If you are not already au fait with our family's Christmas Traditions I suggest you look here for evidence that, considering everything, I turned out rather sane.

If you look at Point 3 you will note that it involves a knife being incorrectly used. Crime of the Century kids - CRIME OF THE CENTURY.

Knife Crimes are a running theme and last Saturday this theme reared it's ugly head again.

We house-sat at my parent's and my father (very generously) left us a large ham to eat for tea (although I do sometimes ponder wether leaving these cold meats out is actually an act of love or some kind of test. You know 'SO you think you are man enough to enter my home? You think you are man enough to take on my daughter!? WELL PROVE IT AND CARVE THIS GODDAM MEAT TO MY SATISFACTION. And I will smile as you fail, boy, smile as you fail.......').

This of course meant that we would need to CARVE some of the ham.


However, my OH did a very good job of carving it. Nobody could complain. Surely?

Ah but they could.

The next day my mother called.



'You father has asked me to call....'


'and I have to ask you how on earth you managed to carve the ham because (brace yourself) you used the WRONG KNIFE'


'You used the wrong knife - he found a knife in the dishwasher with ham on that proves you used the wrong one'

'Okaaaaaaaaaay. Right. Let's get this straight. Is the ham carved well? Yes! Is it damaged beyond repair? NO! Did we manage to eat and enjoy it!? YES YES YES!! Okay so therefore, in answer to the question, how did you cut the ham - I would say the answer is SUCCESSFULLY!'

'I know darling, I know (this bit is now whispered 'he's driving me bloody insane').

You and me both mother. You and me both.

So Operation Knife Crime is already underway and we haven't even reached the Big Day.

I shall keep you informed on how it all goes but one things for certain, I won't be offering to help myself to turkey....

Have a great one folks! See you on the otherside......

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