Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Back to School...

...back to, even more, insanity.

First of all a huge thank you for everyone's kind wishes and words about my dad. I will tell you about the funeral another time but it went as well as it possibly could, although I never again want to kiss that many people in one day and I certainly don't want to be felt up by any more men of a pensionable age (it wasn't just me, my mum had her fair share of 'over jealous hugs' too) and, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have drunk so much I couldn't actually see by tea time, but hey, it was as a good a tribute as we could have possibly given him and in some ways, was very healing (though my liver would probably disagree).

Anyway, rather surreally, here we are back on the school run after a summer that seemed to stretch a thousand years.

In other words I'm back standing in the street screeching like Peggy Mitchell at 8.32am (I'm doing this because if we leave any later than 8.30am EXACTLY we will be late). It doesn't matter how organised you are, how laid out everything is, how 'on time' you seem to be, someone will always need to run back inside to look for some ridiculous item or do a wee or stroke a cat (more on the cats in my next post - I have a pussy problem) and then they will take an inordinate amount of time doing this task and I, thus, end up shouting.

Yesterday I had one child 200 yards down the road (the younger one) and one child back in the house searching for a train that was vital to his daily existence and I had to bellow 'FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, HURRY UP!' at full volume, only for the bin men (right at the other end of the street) to shout back 'alright love, we're going as fast as we can' before collapsing in hysterics. Such was my shame I had to take the long way out of the street in order to avoid them.

Anyway now the kids are off my hands now and again I can do other, more cerebral activities and it was thus I found myself today, back at the home of Badger Girl (as in the one with the stiff badger I had to toss) testing her for her next big horse exam.

Her knowledge is outstanding but her pronunciation of some of the more technical terms needs work.

She has a particular problem with sphincters.

When she pronounced the cardiac sphincter was a cardiac spinster we had to conduct an emergency elocution lesson.

It was like the West Country version of My Fair Lady....'the spinster in my sphincter is like the una in my ulna and the far-inks in my pharynx' (i.e. wrong and potential confusing for the examiner).

Unfortunately our tea drinking and equine anatomy session was interrupted by the arrival of a pigeon with his wing hanging off (who knows where he came from, perhaps he was sent from wherever the badger ended up to avenge his death? But such is the random nature of life at her house).

We managed to catch the pigeon with a bath towel (as you do) but then couldn't work out where to put it. My suggestion of 'in a large cooking pot' didn't go down very well and it ended up in special cage with fresh oats, water and a nest of hay. It has also been named - Percy. Apparently it will be as good as new in 2 days. And if it's not it will 'go to live with Wendy'. I'm not quite sure who Wendy is and if she is ready and willing to take on a damaged pigeon but there we go. Or maybe Wendy is actually a euphemism for 'the place the badger went to'? You know as in 'mummy, what's happened to my hamster?', 'not to worry darling, he's just gone to live with Wendy....'.

Wendy has never seemed more sinister.

Anyway pigeon dealt with (sort of), pronunciation of difficult anatomy dealt with (vaguely) we moved on to my friend's other current project. When not training horses and catering for large functions, she is actually opening a shop selling very skimpy clothes and suchlike for young party animals (as I've said before, she's my special mate because if she could type ,her blog would leave mine standing in the sidelines - her life takes it to a whole new level of randomness).

It appears I will be working in this shop on the opening day. I've been instructed I will need fake tan, fake nails, fake eyelashes and possibly fake hair. I'm tempted to go the whole hog and just send a mannequin to take my place, but at some point someone would probably notice I was unusually quiet and not asking for a drink and my (plastic) cover would be blown.

Anyway amidst all the stock of funfur boots, dresses that I can just about get round one thigh, tops that don't appear to have a back OR a front and skirts that wouldn't cover my 'lady garden', let alone my arse, I found a box of whips and whistles.

VOILA! No more standing in the street screeching like a fishwife! I can just go crack my whip, blow my whistle, herd my children and entertain the bin men in a whole new way.......


  1. Ha, whips and whistles, that is the answer! Genius. I love that you have more posts with the label 'badgers' than 'motherhood'. Talking of badgers, my little boy keeps asking me to paint his face like one. I have no idea where he got the idea, but it seems he actually wants to be one. A REAL one, he says. Though he's going to have to stay away from you and your friend, clearly.

  2. I think I will be a little scared of Wendy's for ever more. The shop opening sounds fabulous - any excuse for fake eyelashes that's what I say!

  3. Whips and Whistles is a good name for a shop. I'd go there.

  4. Oh it's so good to see you back blogging. But I really MUST stop reading your blog whilst I'm in work. I'm laughing so loud at the thought of you rounding up the children with whips and whistles in front of the bin men! Good job I have my own office! lol

  5. nice to see you back. I see Linkon before me [a very good friend who's name I got wrong whilst learning text lol predictive has a lot to answer for !!]

  6. I really want to meet your friend. And you of course. Can I come for tea?

  7. Whips and Whistles, eh? Taxi! Lovely to have your random insanity back x