Saturday, 5 February 2011

The Facker at the Window - and other childhood tales...

So my Original Son is now in Year 1.

This means he's basically in proper school and is his day involves him needing to sit at a table with a pencil in his hand and create something other than a detailed map of the South Eastern Rail Network (he is perhaps the only child in the country who steals packets of biscuits from the cupboard so that he can build a replica freight yard on the living room carpet).

This is not a popular move.

If it's indoors and it doesn't involve trains, tornadoes (and other fearful enemies of Japan) or chocolate then basically it's not worth the effort.

The problem is added to because his intermittent loss of being able to hear anything much at all (glue ear) means that he's either oblivious as to what is going on or just fills in the gaps and makes up a totally different reality.

This can be summed up by me telling you that a recent spate of watching Scooby Doo and the Abominable Snowman 15 times a day was reinterpreted by him as Scooby Doo and the Vulnerable Snowman.

Well yes I guess all snowmen ARE vulnerable. Mainly to dogs cocking their legs on them, drunk people knocking their heads off and daytime temperature above 0 degrees Celsius. However running around screaming 'waaaaa RUN, it's a Vulnerable Snowman!' was somewhat confusing to onlookers and other children in the park. Especially when it hasn't snowed for weeks.

Then there are the spelling tests where he can't make out the sounds in the word let alone spell it correctly. Preparing for these is much loathed by all - I have better things to do at 8am on a Friday morning than bellow 'not SPUNK, I said SPANK, A, A, AAAAAAAAA - CAN YOU HEAR THIS!? SPANK - yes? Like this (slamming my hand down hard on my thigh). He blinks back, somewhat befuddled and carefully writes 's p a n g' across the pages.


God knows what the neighbours think but as they frequently see me loading a female pelvis, replica placenta and a variety of balls into my car, probably not much different than they did already.

His first official attempt at the school spelling test started with the word CROP. He made a good stab at it but summed up his feelings by replacing the O with an A.

The teacher put a polite cross next to it and moved on.

And then we have reading.

Off he cracks 'Biff and Chip are at the castle. Biff looks up. There is a...... what's this word mummy?'.

The world is face. F.A.C.E.

'Sound it out. SOUND IT OUT!' I bellow, forgetting that face isn't really that phonetic. Something to do with a magic E.





Facker! It says Facker!

Oh dear god.

'There is a facker at the window'.

I start to laugh.

I can't stop.

Pleased that he's actually pleased me, he continues.

'Kipper looks up. 'I can't see a facker' he says'.

'They go into the castle to look for the facker'.

By this point I'm laughing so hard I can't breath and both kids, ultra-happy, that for once I'm not gritting my teeth and sighing, start to rush around the house screeching FACKER FACKER FACKER. FIND THE FACKER!'.

Oh crop I think, here we go again.....


  1. Hilarious!
    Crop just about sums up what my son felt about school too!
    Oh dear, my collage course class is going to have me in stitches - this one is all about the "facker"
    Sue xx

  2. Oh crop, here we go again!! ROFL

  3. facking brilliant as always

  4. Kill Biff. Kill Chip.

    I used to write in my daughter's reading report book things like 'If you sent home interesting books we might read them'

    Even seeing 'Biff' and 'Chip' fills me with bile.

    Let him watch Scooby Doo instead. Much better. Oh and don't get that ear sorted - it's a goldmine for godssakes!

  5. I have to say, our school has done away with Biff & Chip and now sends home books kids want to read.

    And spelling tests at 5? Dear God...

    Sorry, Sticky, don't wanna diss your boys' school, but that's facking crop...

  6. Okay, I think I just may have peed, just a teeny bit!
    Thing is, I can see and hear my boys at the same age... so...good luck with that then ;-)
    from another facker in the NCT!

  7. We read Biff and Chip 20 years ago - I can't believe they are still alive. Although much funnier nowadays it seems!

  8. Oh dear! Mind you, on a practical level, that's where using the pictures come in useful - next time ask him to look at the pictures and see if that helps (ie if there's a F A C E at the window and he can see that there's someone looking in the window, he might be able to read the word without further prompting). But that might reduce the amusement element of the exercise ;-) I'd always tried to get L to read her books without using the pictures to help, but then attended a school curriculum evening that got us to 'read' code with and without the pictures to show how much the pictures can help when learning to read, which was very interesting.