Mum: (Emerging from home in her dressing gown) Yes darling?
Me: You appear to be growing cannabis? Around the front gate.
Mum: Oh, that'll be the birds.
Me: What the birds have started up their very own skunk factory? I never knew they had it in them.
Mum: No, it'll be from their seed. I put their seeds on the gate and they get knocked off and grow. We get all sorts!
Me: You feed the birds dope?
Mum: No but I expect it's in the mix.
Me: (thinking it's too early in the day for this kind of conversation) Commercial bird seed contains cannabis?
(I can see The Sun headline now 'Blue Tits Off Their Tits on Seedy Seed').
Mum: Well maybe. It was from Asda. Or it maybe blew in from somewhere?
Me: (glancing round at the surrounding vista of desolate, cannabis free, fields) Riiiiiiiggggghhhht. All the same, is it wise to leave it growing by the gate hear. I mean a lot of people come through here. The postie, the man who brings the oil, the, erm, vicar......
Mum: I'll get my glasses.....
Mum (again - this time sounding slightly thrilled): Ohhhhhh, you know what, it IS cannabis isn't it!
This was on Monday.
It's still there, reaching for the sky amidst the Autumn sunshine and showers.
Quite a harvest.
I'm keeping out of this but if you see a gentle looking lady in Breton stripes and M&S jeans on the local news for running a miniature cannabis farm, you know the situation has deteriorated.