Well I've been getting complaints.
Complaints that I'm not blogging often enough.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Although I'm also very flattered and love ya all. Well maybe not ALL of you - maybe not the man who formally complained about me talking about female urination or the guy who pumps his testicles up on the family work-top - but most of the rest of you - you rock.
Anyway, I am alive and kicking and back with you all and have a long series of posts lined up (in my head, got to commit them to cyber space yet) so I shall be coming on strong in the next month and keeping you (hopefully) semi-fulfilled.
The reasons for my absence are, for once, not disaster filled. Nope - for once my life is filled with a sense of Golden Wonder (as in hope - rather than deep fried potatoes) - and some VERY GOOD THINGS have happened. And they don't even involve cider. But they are things I can't really blog (much) about. Much as I am very open about ME on here, I am very guarded when it comes to other people. I also can't blog about professional stuff AND I can't blog about anything which I wouldn't be fine with my (one day grown up-ish) children reading. They never gave informed consent for me writing this. Hell - they never gave informed consent to be my children.... but that's what they're stuck with. I don't mind them reading about me accidentally overdosing on dog hormone tablets or weeing in the turn up of my jeans or that they once stranded their Nana on her stair lift with a Lego booby trap or that cockerels can and do have homosexual leanings and naming them after religious icons doesn't send you straight to hell...... but, well something's are private.
Last time I posted here my phone had just been stolen but with every loss comes a gain and the weird gain I got from a boyfriend.
At the time the phone was stolen I had to report it to the police for insurance reasons. I'm not sure what these reasons were as it wasn't insured but at least I got a crime reference number to stuff in a draw and forget about.
Not long after that I had a phonecall from a man called Frank who said he was a policeman....
Frank: Could you describe yourself madam?
Me: (all eager) 5ft 10'', blonde, curvy....
Frank: And what exactly were you wearing?
Me: Erm a short silk dress that just covered my.... (oh. Oh dear. Feeling slightly less eager).
Frank: OK well I'm going to watch all the CCTV footage of you that night and get back to you.....
Me: Do you want a photo? (why am I saying this?)
Frank: Yes. I want a photo.
So I sent Frank a photo and later on he turned up with his truncheon and handcuffs and the rest his history.
That is (thank god) not what happened. Frank was (I believe) a genuine copper (he had a pin number and all that) and having reviewed the CCTV footage he informed me that sadly they couldn't see the bit where my phone got stolen but at least I could relax as 'nothing he had witnessed me doing could actually be classed as a criminal act'.
So my dancing's not 'that' bad.
So I didn't run off with Frank but somewhere around that time I did meet someone else. In the middle of a roundabout. He was on the roundabout. I was running across several lanes of traffic. And we did all the things you're not meant to do on a first date....drank pints, never shut up, broke into a municipal park....and since then it's been one long fairytale....well as long as your fairytales feature people as off the wall as you with a touch of the loon about them who laugh like drains, industrial parks, lorry depots, McDonald's, lay-bys, Wickes, Asda (twice!) and his mum's kitchen. Which, luckily, mine do. I wasn't looking for a relationship - it was the last thing on my list after putting the laundry away (for once), fixing the kitchen cupboard doors back on, emptying 300 coke cans out the car and doing my tax return but...well, as usual, 'other stuff happened'. And yes he knows about this blog and has consented to being mentioned and all that jazz.
And that, for the moment, is all I can say on that - but you know, whatever happens, whether it all goes bang tomorrow or it's from here to eternity, all good people deserve to feel like this and be this happy. Even if it's just for a little bit. And people like me who have spent years waking up happy and then one minute later thinking 'oh. Oh yeah, all that stuff in your life you'd managed to put in the file marked: must be a bad dream....it's actually TRUE! Oh, oh shit..... ', well people like me deserve to wake up happy and then, one minute later, think 'YEEEE HAAA' and feel even happier. Even if it's just a gap in the storm. To anyone still in the storm, or back in the storm or watching the storm roll in (or out) never give up. Never lose hope. Hope is what makes us human. The better bits of human.
Anyway moving on from my love life, and before I get all deep on you, I've also had some massive huge big exciting news when it comes to my professional life. But (for now) for complicated reasons to do with the semi-public nature of my life via this blog, I can't say much else but, lets just say, I worked very hard at this and will now be rewarded by spending much more time than is normal in close proximity to female genitalia. And no, I'm not becoming a lesbian porn star. On top of getting to know my way round ladies bits, I'll have even less time than I do now, be even more pushed to the edge of my sanity, get very tired and probably cry quite a lot inbetween marvelling at stuff and laughing manically.....
You all along for the ride?